He Really Did It This Time
by smartiesncoke
Summary: House is out to create equality in the community, targeting none other than Dr. Cuddy herself. Jaguars, monster trucks, iPhones, and cardiac ischemia. Could it get any better?
1. A Lovely Morning

**A/N: **Hey everyone! This is my first shot at a HMD fic. It's unbetaed, but I am a perfectionist and try to correct as much as possible. Since starting, it has come to my attention that the characters may be slightly out of character, but this is intended to be humorous. Medicine is for dramatic effect, not comedic. If you'd like to help out, that would be fabulous! Thanks. Hope you all enjoy.

**Disclaimer: **David Shore's. Not mine.

**Chapter One: **A Lovely Morning

_Tha-rump, tha-rump, tha-rump- _

Dr. Heston's BMW…Dr. Burton's Toyota…

_Tha-rump, tha-rump, tha-rump- _

Wilson's Volvo… Dr. Weinstein's Buick…

_Tha-rump, tha-rump, tha-rump- _

Cuddy's-

_THUMP._

"What the-"

"_And what a beautiful day it is in Mercer County, seventy-five degrees and 20 percent humidity, absolutely no clouds at all. May just be the best day of-"_

CLICK.

"Oh…Good morning, perfect timing! Your coffee's just ready. Isn't it beautiful outside?"

"Where are Foreman and Chase?

"Aah… I don't know, they sort of drank too many gin and tonics when we all went out to dinner last night; you know, a little we-finished-another-case celebration. Actually, it might be good that they didn't come into work right away."

"Whatever. Page me if something explodes, Cameron."

"Yes, thank you so much for your generous contribution! The Pathology Department is so grateful for your funding. The hospital loves to have your support. Oh, that's so sweet! Thank you! Goodbye!"

"Sycophant."

"Good morning to you too, House. What is it this time?"

"You got a…a…"

"Hm?"

"A Jag! Cuddy, you bought a Jaguar!"

"Oh, I didn't notice. Thanks for letting me know. Please leave, I have some important calls to make."

"You got a Jaguar XKR. That is a 100,000 dollar car!"

"And? I did pay for it, I'm aware of the price."

"How come you get a really expensive sports car and the rest of us don't? I mean for one thing, sports cars aren't even a girl thing, but that's not what the point is. You're not a real doctor! You sit around and kiss rich people's asses all day while the rest of us have cases, and on top of that, clinic duty!"

"Wow, thirty cases a year sure is a heavy load. What is it, House? What's got your cane in a knot?"

"I'm fighting for justice in the community here. I mean, you could at least have the decency to spend a portion on the money that went to that car on some shirts whose necklines aren't lacking, I don't know, eight inches or so of material? Vertically speaking, that is."

"Look, House, I work just as hard as you do."

"Exactly! You don't see me driving a Jag! Hell, I don't even drive a car!"

"Of course, that wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that it is physically impossible for you to drive a car of any make or model. Why don't you go pick on Chase or Cameron or someone? Why me? There's no way you're in here just because you feel like telling me off for doing something you think is unfair. Something else is going on, I know it. You do this all the time. Go take a Vicodin, or go outside- it's lovely."

"You got a JAG!"

"What is the problem with this? WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? Please explain this logic of yours, I'm obviously too incompetent to understand what's gone wrong-"

"I know those 'Gorgeous' ad campaigns appeal to you! Don't deny it!"

"Urrrrgh! House, just get out."

"I know it!"

"Get OUT!"

**Welcome, Gregory House!**

**You have -2- unread messages.**

**Message -1-**

**To: **ghouse

**From: **jwilson

**Subj: **Party Pooper!

House- why weren't you with your ducklings last night? I was in Il Grottino last night by coincidence and I saw them all there… it looked like they had a good time, you need to go blow off some steam sometimes. Hey, by the way, have you heard about the monster truck rally tour that's coming to town? I had a patient I just got rid of last week (fully cured! Told you it could happen) who was the owner of a racetrack around here that told me he'd get me tickets to any event they had there. I still feel bad about that last time… you know, I don't want to go into details.

-Wilson

P.S. I read on Yahoo!omg that Carmen Electra, in addition to being an active pro mini-golfer, is a big fan of monster truck rallies. Who knew?

Dr. James Wilson

Head of Oncology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

**Message -2-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **lcuddy

**Subj: **Conservation in the Hospital

Hello, PPTH staff! I hope that you all are enjoying the weather as much as I am.

I must inform you all that a very generous contribution of twenty million dollars has been made to the hospital by a very environmentally conscious donor who wishes to remain anonymous at this point in time. I am informing you all of this fabulous occurrence because it was made to provide the hospital with the resources for us to become a "Green Hospital". This, most importantly, means that the hospital will now be undergoing a change to become entirely energy self-sufficient, which will in turn greatly reduce our carbon footprint on the atmosphere and therefore, our negative environmental impact.

That being said, I must ask all of you yourselves to make a few changes to some of your habits in the hospital. Recycling bins for glass, metal, plastic, and paper products will be placed in your offices and exam rooms, and the donor and I would ask that you conserve your usage of such products- for example, bringing in a coffee mug instead of using a new paper cup each time you get a cup of coffee. Please remember, as always, to properly dispose of biohazards in their specified containers. Also, it would be superb if this conservationist behavior inside the hospital would extend to action outside as well- for example, conserving gas usage driving to and from work.

Thank you all for your time. Enjoy the day!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy, M.D.

Dean of Medicine, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

**Welcome, James Wilson!**

**You have -2- unread messages.**

**Message -1-**

**To: **Loser

**From: **Not a Loser

**Re: **Party Pooper!

Reading stuff on Yahoo!omg is obscene, Wilson. If you really have to get your celebrity dish, have the decency to watch Vh1. And since when do you go to restaurants by yourself? You are way too socially insecure to eat out alone. Judging from the fact that your email was written in a relatively cheerful mood, you were with a member of the female persuasion, and succeeded to an extent impressing said individual. I want a name, and if it's that nurse from Peds you keep flirting with, I will make sure that you aren't going to be physically able to walk the five steps outside onto your balcony to enjoy the weather.

I'll think about the trucks. Only because you say that Carmen expresses such an interest.

-House

P.S. And, by the way, getting free tickets from a grateful patient does not pay me back for scoring 1000 tickets and then finding out that you sniff betrayed our friendship-trust-bond.

Dr. Gregory House, M.D.

Head of Diagnostics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

**Message -2-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **ghouse

**Subj: **Hypocrisy is Alive and Well!

**Attch: **Dr. Lisa Cuddy's Time Management.pdf

Dear Citizens of the PPTH Community,

How many of you follow current events? I am sure that as supposedly well-educated members of the community, you all must have at least heard that there is some reason for which North Korea has been in the news a lot lately. To make a long story short, they are trying to nuke the rest of the planet and are trying to cover this fact up.

But that is not the point!

North Korea is a nation that is controlled by a dictator (Kim-Jong Il) famous for his extravagant personal opulence and spending on said nuclear weapons, while also home to some of the most indigent and poor populations in the world. The people are malnourished, oppressed, and denied access to free medical clinics such as the fabulous one in our very own PPTH while their hypocritical dictator throws insane 65th birthday parties and drives Mercedes-Benzes through the DMZ.

Now, while the doctors of this hospital are certainly neither starving nor in poor health, oppression and hypocrisy are at large in the oh-so-stylish glossy hallways of our hospital! I draw a striking connection from the circumstances in North Korea to those in PPTH. If you all will re-check your inboxes, you will see that you have received an email from our lovely Dean of Medicine requesting us to "conserve" precious materials such as paper, glass, fuel, etc.

Now, I must say that I personally waste as little as possible. I bring my own coffee mug into work, and am a self-pronounced denouncer of excessive paperwork (you may interpret that statement in the best way possible. I would prefer not to lie). I drive a Honda motorcycle, which I must say gets excellent gas mileage. I am sure that many of you are also very environmentally conscious.

However, while such demands are being made of us to waste as little as possible, I must draw your attention to the fact that Lisa Cuddy- yes, the very woman making these demands!- has recently purchased a 2008 Jaguar XKR. For those of you who do not know, this is a top-of-the-line, 100,000 sports car. And, also, for those of you who are uninformed, I have attached a pie chart of the ways in which Dr. Cuddy spends her time. The largest portion- 35- is devoted to sucking up to corporate bigwigs. Is this the way that a true, hardworking doctor worthy of such a phenomenal sports care should pass her time? I think not.

I have provided you with the evidence. I will leave you to form your own highly educated opinion. And in case anyone was wondering, an excellent time to start a protest against such hypocritical behavior would be Thursday at 11:00 A.M., when a source has informed me that Dr. Cuddy is meeting the head of Princeton University, a well-educated and reasonable individual who I am certain would support our noble cause to eradicate hypocrisy.

Thank you.

Gregory House, M.D.

Head of Diagnostics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

P.S. Yes, I have deleted Dr. Cuddy's name from the mailing list. I'm not that stupid.

**A/N: **So what do you think? I've read a few stories in this format and I love it... I think it makes it more interesting. They'll get a case next chapter, though I'm not promising anything extra special that only five people had ever had... in the history of the world. Anyways, review! Thanks. K


	2. Learning the Language

**A/N: **Hey y'all! Here's Chapter Two... I know I got it up really soon, but i just had to! Hope you like.

**Disclaimer: **David Shore's, not mine.

**Chapter Two: **Learning the Language

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

"Urrrgh…damn pager…"

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

"I know! I know! Won't-come-off-"

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

"Aaaack!"

"House, people are staring."

"Shut up, Wilson."

**-----MO-5 BTOYA –LC-----**

"God, I hate pager language! Why does she have to insist on not using the English language? Couldn't she just have called?"

"It's not like you would have picked up your phone."

"True, but that's not the point. I still have no idea what this says."

"Give it here."

"Oh, right, I forgot. You speak secret pager language, too. I opted for Spanish in school. You know, the language of the common people."

"Oh, so now Cuddy's ability to operate a pager like a normal professional has become yet another element of her oppressive elitism, hm?"

"Have you ever considered a career in public relations? Or advertising? That was a really well thought-out statement you just made."

"Um… Cuddy wants you in her office in five. Be there or it's your ass."

"My ass? My ass? I knew she wanted me all along. I totally forgive you for taking her out those eighteen times."

"Twice! And anyways, I bet it's about that totally Robespierre-esque email you sent to the entire hospital. I can't see her going along too well with your whole new "Liberté-Egalité-Fraternité" stance when you're targeting her as Marie Antoinette. There's no way she hasn't gotten wind of it yet."

"That's because she has spies everywhere. Including you, Wilson. How long have you been on her payroll?"

"Hm, let's see…oh, since I started working at her hospital."

"No, not that payroll! I meant her secret mob payroll, the one that Chase is on, too. The one that pays people to keep tabs on me so I don't accidentally run amok in the morgue with the cadavers- or otherwise."

"House, you're delusional."

"I reject your reality and substitute my own. Gotta go."

"Have fun with that."

"I will."

* * *

"I'm waving the white flag… take me to the guillotine before I can try to unsuccessfully commit suicide in my prison cell. Better lock up the revolvers. I apologize, my queen." 

"House, what are you talking about? I called you down here to talk about clinic duty-"

"AHA! That would explain it!"

"Explain what?"

"Why you didn't recognize my metaphor to the French Revolution- you know, Robespierre and all that."

"And- okay, wait a second- why are you even making a metaphor to the French Revolution? Have I missed something?"

"Apparently, but don't worry. You'll find out by Thursday afternoon. Once again, a preoccupation with clinic duty stands in the way of true enlightenment."

"Thursday afternoon? House, you're making no sense. Now, judging from the tone of your voice, you have forgiven me for my absolutely tyrannical display of excess in the form of getting a new car after having my old one since my own residency, and so are calm enough to realize that while you were oh-so-desperately struggling to save Miss Grisham's life last week, you also missed ten hours of clinic duty that you need to finish by the end of the month."

"Wait a second- you made me walk all the way down here to tell me I've missed clinic duty? I mean, first off, what a waste of energy, miss "Green as Grass"! And second, I'm a cripple! For God's sake, Cuddy! Where did your doctorly compassion go?"

"Well, it left when I realized that unless I talked to you in person, there would be a near-zero chance of those hours getting logged."

"How perceptive of you. But let's cut to the chase; Wilson thinks he knows why you really brought me here."

"Wilson, hm? What does he think?"

"Well, let's put it this way. Wilson doesn't think you're a loser- he obviously hasn't seen your member profile on and he thinks that only losers don't profess their love for their colleagues in person."

"So, to sum all that circumlocution up, Wilson thinks, I want to declare my undying love for you. That right?"

"That would be the general idea."

"Okay, well, as that seems to be the case, we'll want to see some more of each other once we become officially involved, so… why don't we make it fourteen hours of clinic duty?"

"WHAT?"

"Better get started. Send Wilson down, I want to have a word."

* * *

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP 

**-----OoHRH ASAP -GH-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----WTF?!? –JW-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----U NO TXTSPK HAHA –GH-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----272-4305 –JW-----**

_Brrring… brrring…_

"_House! Not only can you not understand pager language, you can't speak it either. This is really getting in your way of living a normal life."_

"_I would like to disagree."_

"_What does that first message even mean anyways?"_

"_You need to be in the office of Her Royal Highness as soon as possible."_

"_Oho, so that's what that meant! Why does Cuddy need to see me?"_

"_No idea. Didn't say."_

"_Yeah, right. Later."_

* * *

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP 

**-----CODE RED RM204 –GH-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----CODE RED RM204 –GH-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----CODE RED RM204 –GH-----**

_Yawn…_"Oh, Christ…"

* * *

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP 

**-----CODE RED RM204 –GH-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----CODE RED RM204 –GH-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----CODE RED RM204 –GH-----**

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----CODE RED RM204 –GH-----**

"Huh? What- oh, no…"

* * *

"What's going on? What happened?" 

"What's happening? Where's the patient?"

"Where's Cameron?"

"Um, where's House?"

"Did you get the page too?"

"Yeah, it said there was a Code Red in here-"

"But there's no one in here…"

"Hey, Foreman- is it just me, or is it really bright in here? Do you feel like you just got your eyes dilated?"

"Remotely… I think that fifth mojito last night might have put me over…"

"Yeah, same."

"Come on, let's go to the office."

"'Kay."

* * *

"_Hi, you've reached Allison Cameron. Leave a message and I'll get back to you! Thanks!"_

"_Hey, Cameron, it's Chase and Foreman… we got a pager message that said there was a Code Red emergency in Room 204, but no one was there… we figured that you or House would have been there, but the room was literally empty. Anyways, call one of us back, we'll be in the office, which is also empty, but I think House is in his-- Oh, and if you happen to have Foreman's hat, he lost it last night. So…see you later."_

_SNAP._

"Chase, why'd you have to tell her about my hat on the phone? She's somewhere in the hospital."

"I dunno… just trying to stay on top of things, I guess."

"Right."

* * *

**boycotthypocrisy has signed on at 10:42 A.M.**

**jwpnj422 has signed on at 10:43 A.M.**

**boycotthypocrisy: **hey Wilson my bro ww/u dawg? I can so talk chatspeak

**jwpnj422: **is this house?

**boycotthypocrisy: **no. who else is out to save the world from the evil dictatorship that we live in under the hand of dr. "I will take away your personal freedom while purchasing an incredibly hot sports car"?

**jwpnj422: **love the screenname. But couldn't you just talk to me in person?

**boycotthypocrisy: **if I could, wouldn't I?

**jwpnj422: **Ah, no. So Cuddy, by the way, called me down into her office to ask me why I supposedly think she's in love with you. Which I don't.

**boycotthypocrisy: **where did she hear that from? Who would make up something like that?

**jwpnj422:**whatever. Do you know how awkward it is to have your female boss ask you why you think she's in love with one of your colleagues when you don't even think that in the first place?

**boycotthypocrisy: **do you know how awkward it is to have your female boss ask you to inject fertilization therapy treatments into her ass a few times a day?

**jwpnj422:**_ WHAT?_

**jwpnj422:**is that for real, or did you just make that up to freak me out?

**boycotthypocrisy: **I never kiss and tell

**boycotthypocrisy: **oh, and she just loaded an extra 14 hrs of clinic duty on me

**jwpnj422:**you're such a twelve year old

**jwpnj422: **so anyways, have you decided on the monster truck rally yet?

**boycotthypocrisy: **hey, give me some time. What's the date, anyways?

**jwpnj422: **July 2nd

**jwpnj422: **hm?

**boycotthypocrisy: **oh, I'll think about it

**boycotthypocrisy: **I have an equality march to plan

**boycotthypocrisy: **do you wanna come? No one's responded to my emails yet, idn why

**jwpnj422: **I wonder why. Maybe because no one wants to get fired for causing mayhem while their boss is meeting the president of Princeton University?

**boycotthypocrisy: **always a possibility; but you know, Hitler rose to power because no one stopped him

**jwpnj422: **I think I liked it better when you were on sports metaphors

**boycotthypocrisy: **historical ones make me sound more intelligent; not like I need to

**jwpnj422: **whatever. I've got a patient in five minutes, so wrap it up

**boycotthypocrisy: **can I come watch you tell them they're going to die?

**jwpnj422: **no. that would be a total violation of patient privacy and medical ethics and about a billion other things, as well as being just plain tactless. Besides, I already diagnosed them, they're not terminal. Don't you have a case?

**boycotthypocrisy: **no, let's hope it stays that way. Oh, look, here are Foreman and Chase… wow, they're in late. Ill bet you twenty that foreman is really cranky and chase is just completely wasted.

**jwpnj422: **they're both coming in at the same time?

**boycotthypocrisy: **oh, yeah… I sent them a message on those godforsaken pagers saying that there was an emergency somewhere… looks like they found out that wasn't true.

**jwpnj422: **you didn't pull the code red, did you? That's just cruel.

**boycotthypocrisy: **you know what's cruel? Having to use a crappy pager while doctors at other hospitals get iPhones. Sort of like driving a mediocre car when other doctors drive jaguar xkrs.

**jwpnj422: **house, get over it. No hospital gives their doctors iPhones.

**boycotthypocrisy: **well, there's a first for everything!

**jwpnj422: **I don't want to be involved in this. Anyways, patient's here. ttyl.

**boycotthypocrisy: **tootleloo!

**jwpnj422 has signed off at 11:03 A.M.**

* * *

"Well, well, well. Look who slept in late this morning. Almost too late to miss hearing about the latest scam that the doctors of this hospital are being put through!" 

"Good morning, House…I'm taking it we haven't gotten a new case yet?"

"No-"

"Thank God."

"Yes, I feel the same way."

"Wait- scam? What scam?"

"Ah, Chase, I knew you'd ask! Well, I would explain it, but I've already sent the entire staff of the hospital a detailed email explaining this event."

"You are standing right here. Couldn't you just tell us?"

"Sorry, I have to attend to some business. Say, I heard you calling Cameron. Were you looking for her?"

"Yeah, well, Foreman and I were wondering what that whole pager thing was about- you know, the Code Red-"

"Oh, my silly pager must have accidentally set off a message while it was in my pocket. Wouldn't it be nice if we had iPhones instead?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"What do you think, Chase?"

"Er, I guess… but where's Cameron?"

"Fabulous! Oh, she's down in the clinic, doing some extra clinic hours that we missed this last week. Would you all care to join her? Great! Off you go!"

"Wha-"

"Bye-bye now!"

* * *

**Welcome, James Wilson!**

**You have -1- unread message.**

**Message -1-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **ghouse

**Subj: **Technology is Advancing!

Dear, beloved PPTH Staff,

It has come to my attention recently that the electronic devices known as pagers, while relied on for their portability and ability to quickly transmit messages from doctor to doctor, are often the cause of not only confusion and misunderstanding, as they do not provide sufficient room for adequate message communication, but also make a rather annoying, headache-inducing beeping noise when signaling that one has received a new message.

Now, you all may have heard of the recent generous donation of twenty million dollars to the hospital. You may also have heard of the iPhone- yes, that piece of technological genius that has been all over the news, praised for its sleek, user-friendly design and pure overall Apple-ness. (Please ignore all comments that service is insanely expensive.) I propose that the hospital, using this new donation, finances the purchase of new iPhones for the entire staff of PPTH, as it would greatly facilitate many of our jobs as well as providing us with a reason to work at PPTH when all other reasons escape us.

I have already heard support of this idea expressed by my colleagues Drs. Foreman and Chase. If you would be supportive of this idea, please respond and I will keep a count of supporters to submit a proposal. The more, the better!

Thank you,

Dr. Gregory House, M.D.

Head of Diagnostics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**A/N: **So what do you think? Review, please! House is really going to get into some- well, a lot of trouble next chapter. Wait for it- I'll get the next chapter up soon! Thanks for reading. K

* * *


	3. Taking Matters Into Your Hands

**A/N: **Here's Chapter Three, guys! Hope you all like. This one is my favorite so far.

**Chapter Three: **Taking Matters Into Your Own Hands

**Welcome, Gregory House!**

**You have -5- unread messages.**

**Message -1-**

**To: **ghouse

**From: **dwilkins

**Subj:** Technology is Advancing!

House, do you not have any cases? First your crazy "Boycott Hypocrisy" campaign, now this whole iPhone stirrup. Because honestly, you can come over to Nephrology and help us out any time; we have plenty of work to do.

Dr. David Wilkins, M.D.

Nephrology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -2-**

**To: **ghouse

**From: **snelson

**Subj:** Technology is Advancing!

House-

As much as I'd absolutely love an iPhone (my daughter's been begging me to get one since it came out), I can't really see Cuddy conceding to this deal after you brutalized her behavior this morning. I don't think I would either if someone extensively compared me to Kim-Jong Il, as well as sending the entire staff of the hospital a PIE CHART detailing the ways in which I spend my time. Can you say 'Stalker'?

On the other hand, seeing as you're still able to send us emails about your idealistic wishes to outfit us all with iPhones, I'm assuming that Cuddy hasn't found out about aforementioned email, and so hasn't confined you to the clinic for the next 15 years. So if you decide to bring this up to Cuddy (and she doesn't show signs of feeding your head to her pet piranhas), let her know that I'd love to have an iPhone.

Cheers,

Sandy

Dr. Sandra Nelson, M.D.

Head of Cardiovascular Surgery, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -3-**

**To: **ghouse

**From: **jwilson

**Subj:** Technology is Advancing!

House: get a life.

-Wilson

Dr. James Wilson, M.D.

Head of Oncology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -4-**

**To: **ghouse

**From: **bscwhimmer

**Subj:** Technology is Advancing!

Hey House-

Obstetrics would absolutely love iPhones. If you can score them for us, you can hang out in our lounge any time you like.

-Bart

Dr. Bartholomew Schwimmer, M.D.

Obstetrics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -5-**

**To: **ghouse

**From: **tbarr-aston

**Subj: **Technology is Advancing!

Hey, doctors aren't the only ones who need (or want, for that matter) iPhones in this hospital! The guys over here in legal think it's a great idea, and accounting next door have been talking about getting iPhones, too. Count us in!

Tanya Barr-Aston, Attorney-at-Law

Legal Department, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Welcome, James Wilson!**

**You have -1- unread message.**

**Message -1-**

**To: **You don't have a life

**From: **I do

**Re: Re: **Technology is advancing!

Did you know that doctors with iPhones are 358 more likely to score dates with nurses from Pediatrics than those who don't?

Bet that got your attention.

- House

Dr. Gregory House M.D.

Head of Diagnostics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

"Cameron! We've been looking for you!" 

"…Really?"

"Yeah, we got this pager message at like nine o'clock saying there was a Code Red emergency in some room upstairs, and once we both got there, there was no one in the room… it was sort of weird, really."

"Chase, how many drinks did you have last night?"

"Er… six? No, seven, yeah, seven. Actually, on second thought, eight might be closer-"

"Alright, alright, I get the point. Your mental faculties are obviously impaired enough by the copious amounts of alcohol you consumed last night to not realize that House probably sent you that message to prevent you from sleeping until one this afternoon."

"Aha… that might explain it, I guess…"

"We don't have a case, though. You'd think he'd be okay with us getting some rest once in a while."

"We don't have a case, but House does have clinic duty. Fourteen hours of it."

"House has clinic duty! We did all of ours for last week. And besides, he definitely didn't miss fourteen hours' worth. I would say only about ten at the most."

"You didn't check your email, did you, Foreman?"

"No, but House did mention something about it. What happened?"

"Oh, House sent the entire staff this email about how Cuddy's buying a new Jag is opposed to her asking us to cut down on our waste and to start recycling stuff more… compared her to Kim Jong-Il and the communist dictatorship in North Korea, or something like that. Oh, and then he attached a pie chart detailing the ways in which Cuddy spends her time. Not a very positive piece of statistics, as 'Sucking up to corporate bigwigs' dominates most of the chart."

"Wait a second- let me get this straight. Cuddy bought a Jaguar, House gets jealous, passes his anger off under the premise that she's a hypocrite, and compares her position as Dean of Medicine to the regime of a lunatic?"

"That pretty much sums it up."

"It seems to me that four extra hours of clinic duty is small punishment for slander at that level… something else must have happened, but I bet that Cuddy actually hasn't heard about that one."

"Yeah, you have a point there. Four hours is a bit lenient."

"Wait, why do we have to recycle or whatever? What's up with that?"

"Oh, Cuddy got a donation for like twenty million dollars or something and the donor wants the hospital to go green or something like that. Cuddy'll do anything to get her hands on that money, so she obviously accepted the offer; of course, this provides a perfect opportunity for House to cause some disruptive mayhem. I bet he'll start using one sheet of paper per sentence that he has to write just to piss her off."

"Yeah, that does sound like something that House would do."

"Hey, can you guys help me out here? The sooner we get these hours done, the better."

"Or, we could leave House to do his own hours and go get lunch. There's a new Indian place down 22nd that looks really good."

"Brilliant idea, Foreman. What say you, Cameron?"

"Well, I did tell House I'd help him with clinic duty…"

"No, you didn't. I bet you stood there with your mouth open as he shoved you in this direction, and couldn't sum up the courage to tell him to do his own."

"Actually, that's more like what happened. I guess I could skip out on a little clinic duty…hey, Nurse Roberts- Doctor House is signing out, 12:32 P.M."

"Gotcha, Allison!"

"Come on, let's go."

* * *

**Welcome, James Wilson!**

**You have -2- unread messages. **

**Message -1-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **ghouse

**Subj: **Thank you for your support!

Dear PPTH Staff,

A hearty 'Thank You' to all those who have expressed support towards the acquisition of iPhones for the staff in general. Yes, that would include Legal and Accounting, as you all have expressed such an interest. I am about to take action towards persuading the powers that be to facilitate the purchase of iPhones for us, as it would be the least that they can do to redeem themselves from recent unfair and hypocritical actions. For those of you who have not expressed support, I will look with mercy upon you, as I am a supporter of equality for all, but be warned- it might just take a bit longer for you all to get your iPhones than those who have expressed support. However, I promise that everyone will get one should I succeed.

Signing off,

Dr. Gregory House, M.D.

Head of Diagnostics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -2-**

**To: **jwilson

**From: **ghouse

**Subj: **Just so you know...

Oh, by the way- if you get home tonight and find a large box outside your front doorstep, those are the Miles Davis LPs that I got for a real deal off of eBay the other night... only $234 for 32 of them! I'm sorry that they were shipped to your house, but seeing as I used your credit-card number, they wouldn't let me ship them anywhere else. Take care of them until I can pick them up!

-House

Dr. Gregory House, M.D.

Head of Diagnostics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

"Hello, my darling Cuddy! Enjoying the weather out here?" 

"Yes, well, I was trying to get some peace and quiet outdoors, but I obviously failed. What do you want?"

"Well, I've been getting the general sense from the community that the acquisition of iPhones for all the members of the staff would absolve your heinous actions of late. Plus, think of what it would do for efficiency's sake! PPTH would make headlines- Hopkins would be praising us for our technological innovation!"

"House, I'm not buying iPhones for the staff. You can make do with pagers and cell phones, most people are quite adequate at operating them. Oh, but I forgot- you seem to be incompetent in that field. Besides, you don't have any proof that that's how the community feels. It's not like you have a list of signatures to show me or anything, you never put that much effort into anything."

"Au contraire, mon ami! Here, take a look."

"…"

"Impressive, hm? That's 48 names, for your information."

"I find some of these names awfully suspicious… how can you confirm these?"

"I have received a copious amount of emails, for your information. I will gladly forward them to you."

"House, this is absurd. I'm sorry, but no. It's not going to happen. I'm not buying $600 pieces of equipment for every staff member."

"No, but you would spend two million dollars fiddling with the output on the A/C system wouldn't you, while spending countless more hours annoying the rest of us by infringing upon our Third Amendment right to dispose of waste as we want to."

"That's not part of the Third Amendment. Stop making things up."

"So what does the Third Amendment say, hm?"

"That's not the point! The point is, I am not ordering iPhones. End of story."

"Will you at least consider it? Wilson told me personally that he would adore you forever if you got everyone iPhones. He was considering hanging a picture of you on his bedroom wall."

"House, I'm not trusting anything you say about what Wilson did or did not say anymore. So if you could please leave, I was trying to eat my salad."

"What is that? Arugula? Try the Arugula salad at Dean and Deluca, they have this fabulous citrus dressing-"

"I'll ask you one more time-"

"-and toasted pine nuts-"

"Please leave. Now."

"If you insist. Gotta get on that clinic duty. Ciao, bella!"

* * *

_Two days later:_

"Do you see those boxes?"

"What, the ones outside of Cuddy's office? Jesus, that's a lot of boxes… what, at least 25, I'd say."

"See who they're from?"

"Uhhh… hey, they're from Apple!"

"APPLE? No way, man… there's no way she ordered those…"

"They're parked outside her office."

"Yeah, but you know who can hack into her system. Cuddy's not going to be happy when she gets the bill."

"Hah, this is going to be good. Can't wait."

* * *

**Welcome, Lisa Cuddy! **

**You have -2- unread messages.**

**Message -1-**

**To: **lcuddy

**From: **fgraham

**Fw: **Hypocrisy is Alive and Well!

Hey Cuddy- you might want to check out this email, House sent it to the entire staff, and I don't think anyone else has told you about it yet. I don't know if he thought you wouldn't hear about it, but just wanted to send it to you before your meeting tomorrow morning with the Head of Princeton U got rudely interrupted.

Dr. Frederick Graham, M.D.

Dermatology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -2-**

**To: **lcuddy

**From: **Apple Inc.

**Subj: **Thank You For Your Order!

Wednesday, June 25, 2007

Dear Dr. Cuddy,

Thank you for your purchase! We have enclosed the bill for your purchase with this email. Please contact 1-800-APPLE07 for customer support.

Thank you,

Drew Martin

Sales, Apple Inc.

**Item: **2007 iPhone

**Quantity: **325

**Price/Item: **$600

**Subtotal: **$195,000

**Tax: **$9750

**TOTAL: **$204,750

* * *

"**HOUSE!!!!!**

* * *

**A/N: **Told you he'd get into trouble. I'm sorry if you've been reading and the to/from/subj in the emails make no sense- I just realized that it turns full email adresses into hyperlinks, which it can't show, so I've tried to fix all of them.

Thanks to EVERYONE who's reviewed/added this to their faves/alerts list or read this at all. By the way, this is still unbetaed besides my own proofreading, so if anyone would like to be the beta for this one, let me know! I'll be on vacation until the 20th or so, so I'm not going to be able to update for a while, but stay tuned! Spread the word that you like this story.

Thanks so much for reading!

K


	4. What Would We Do Without Technology?

**Chapter Four: **What Would We Do Without Technology?

"_You have reached the voicemail of Gregory House. Unless you are planning to join my organization CANE, standing for Conservation Ain't Nothin' Exciting, don't bother to leave a message. Listening to messages runs down my battery, seeing as I as of right now have a crappy phone, and not an iPhone, which has an extremely durable battery. Running down my battery is not only impractical but annoying, and makes me annoyed even more than I am already being annoyed by certain hospital administrators."_

_BEEEEEP!_

"House, it's Wilson. You know, I was walking past Cuddy's office this morning when I came into the hospital, and I saw about thirty boxes with the Apple logo on them stacked outside her door. You wouldn't possibly know anything about that, would you? I thought not. I'll be in the clinic getting rid of some hours if you want to really want to find me, but since you've been the one rallying up all the iPhone junkies in the first place, that might not be such a good idea. Later."

"Hey, House, it's Foreman. It's 9:30 AM, Chase and Cameron and I are in the office, and we were wondering where you were. We still don't have a case yet, but we were just wondering. So… I guess we'll just be in the office. Bye-bye."

"House? Where are you? I know I said it wasn't a good idea to come into the clinic right now, but I sort of need your help… I have this completely horrible patient in the clinic who's 5'6, weighs 190, smokes two packs a day of twenty years and wonders why she's tired all the time! I mean, as soon as I see her, I'm thinking heart disease or Type II diabetes, but then she comes in waving this stupid wimpy little WebMD printout on cardiac ischemia (how did she even come up with that?) and thinks she has it, and won't listen to anything I'm trying to tell her…which is why I'm calling you. She's absolutely refused to leave the exam table until I tell her that she has cardiac ischemia, which she might, but I'd need to do some tests first, and she won't let me! I don't know what her problem is! I'm telling you, she's a psych case if I ever saw one. Anyways, I'm trying to avoid calling Nurse Previn to come and help me out for as long as possible, it would probably cause a scene and Cuddy already seems pissed off about something. I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that 325 iPhones are sitting outside her office door. Talk to you later."

"Hey Greg, it's Honey! Remember me? I thought so! Anyways, give me a call back, I haven't talked to you in a while and wanted to see how you were doing, and if you were still considering hiring a nutritionist. Oh, and are you free July 2nd? There's this Vegan Festival downtown, and I'd really like to take you and expose you to some of the food that they have; I think you might be pleasantly surprised! So, maybe we could get together. Call me back. Bye!"

"House! Where the hell have you been? God, there's just been this absolute mess in the clinic. Mrs. Criswell- that's the clinic patient's name- was threatening to stab me with a used needle from the biohazard box until I confirmed that she had cardiac ischemia, which I couldn't, so I had to call security! I called you more than two hours ago to come and help, and now I've got three security guards with tasers standing in the middle of the clinic, frightening away all the other patients. Then, once they got rid of her, just now, Cuddy started bellowing in her office and just stomped up in the general direction of the Diagnostics Department. I don't think I've seen her this angry since… actually, I've never seen her this angry. So, I hope that you're alive, wherever you are, but I still think that you could be able to answer my calls. If you are alive, a call back would be some nice confirmation. If you're not, can I sell your guitar collection on eBay? You owe me."

"Hey, House, it's Cameron. Chase, Foreman and I have been waiting in the office since we came back from lunch at 1:30- it's about 5:00 now- and you haven't shown up all day. We found Wilson in the clinic, and there was this huge mess in there; I mean, security was there and everything, and there were tasers and Wilson and this lady kept yelling at each other about cardiac ischemia or something, and when we finally got the chance to talk to him, he said he didn't know where you were either. So we see all these boxes in the clinic with the Apple logo on them, and when we get back up to the office, Cuddy STORMS in, and starts asking us (or rather, screaming at us) to tell her where you are. We have absolutely no idea, so we tell her, and she has this look on her face that's pretty similar to the one that she makes when you operate on a patient without her permission. Anyways, she leaves, and- I don't want them to hear me telling you this, that's why I'm whispering- Chase and Foreman think you ordered everyone iPhones, but I told them I didn't think you would do anything like that just to get back at Cuddy. But did you? I mean, I guess I'll find out eventually, but I just wanted to let you know that if you say that you didn't, I will absolutely believe you. Anyways, we're all going to Pho Dat Thanh for dinner- the Vietnamese restaurant on Brookstone drive- and if we haven't heard back from you by the time we're finished dinner, we're all just going to head home. See you later. Bye."

"House- it's Chase. It's 7:30, and you never called any of us back, so we are officially NOT going back to the hospital for the evening. So… you can't say we didn't warn you, so you have no excuse to yell at us now. Wait- hold on- oh, Foreman says we're heading to the Cantina Mexicana for a drink. I guess you can join us if you want, but Foreman thinks that you ran away to Alaska or something so that Cuddy can't murder you over those iPhones we know you ordered. Say hi to the polar bears. Bye-bye."

* * *

**Welcome, James Wilson! **

**You have -3- unread messages.**

**Message -1-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **lcuddy

**Subj: **Recent Events at the Hospital

Dear PPTH Staff,

I would like to address certain recent events at the hospital, and put to rest any misconceptions that might be at large at the present time.

As many of you have heard, a large shipment of iPhones was delivered to the hospital this morning. Now, although those iPhones were ordered under my name, they were ordered by another individual without my express permission to do so. A member of the staff has forwarded me emails sent to the hospital staff by a physician here that give me reason to believe that one individual in particular was responsible for this event.

Unfortunately, Apple does not accept the returns of purchases over $100,000 unless the technology is defunct. The Technology Department has examined this equipment, and has determined that it is not. That being said, this does mean that most of the staff- including the Accounting, Legal, and Administrative Departments- will be receiving iPhones. These will be implemented as the new method of staff-to-staff communication in the hospital as soon as possible. Technology is also looking into software options to be added to the phones for use by the physicians of the hospital.

However, even though accommodations are being made to use these items, I most certainly am not condoning their purchase. From what I have seen, these iPhones were purchased on the premises that I have been running a poorly mismanaged operation at PPTH while opulently indulging in personal luxuries, my behavior having been compared to that of an Asian Communist dictator.

PPTH and its doctors are among the foremost in the nation, and as I sign the paychecks of all the physicians at this hospital, I can personally inform you that the salaries of the staff here are far above the national average. I would hope that the attitude of the individual who has been recently attacking my qualifications to be the Dean of Medicine at this hospital is not shared by many at PPTH. While I do not deny the fact that I recently purchased a new Jaguar, I do not believe that I need to justify my actions for doing so.

Also, as far as calls for conservation are concerned, the donor who made these requests and I do not feel that we are asking any of you to make your lives unnecessarily uncomfortable. If any one of the staff is strongly opposed to the new requests that we are making, we cannot stop you from preferring to not conserve materials. However, I will reiterate that such requests are being made at the promise of twenty million dollars to be used for the improvement of the hospital.

On one last note, I would like to state that I am frankly appalled that there has been mention of a plan to disrupt my meeting with the Head of Princeton University tomorrow morning. I would certainly hope that no members of the staff were planning to take a part in any disruption.

Thank you very much to those of you who have been cooperating with the conservation campaign here at PPTH; it means a great deal to both myself and our benefactor.

Thank you,

Dr. Lisa Cuddy, M.D.

Dean of Medicine, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -2-**

**To: **jwilson

**From: **dchandler

**Subj: **Monster Truck Rally, July 2nd

Hello, Dr. Wilson! How are you doing? I hope you're well- I've never felt better in my life! I am emailing you today because I was wondering if you were definitely taking the tickets that I have for the Monster Truck USA Premier Tour coming to Princeton on July 2nd. I would appreciate it if you would let me know as soon as possible, as I have another couple who has asked me about them. I will certainly hold the tickets for them should you choose not to go, but I encourage you to please take them!

I have been so grateful for your care, Dr. Wilson; I don't know that I would have made it through without you!

Warmest regards,

Dean Chandler

Montego Pavilion Concert Center, Owner

Princeton, New Jersey

* * *

**Message -3-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **cbaker

**Subj: **Fiesta in OB Lounge!!

Hey, everyone! The guys down here in Obstetrics would like to hold a fiesta party in honor of Dr. House, seeing as he just scored us all iPhones. Come down at 1:00 tomorrow afternoon- and if you get lucky, we might even buy you all beer! It's going to be wild.

Ciao,

Dr. Charlie Baker, M.D.

Obstetrics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

P.S. Budweiser, Heineken, or Corona? We're thinking Corona, goes better with the whole fiesta thing.

* * *

_The next morning:_

"Morning, Cameron."

"Hey, Chase."

"House isn't here yet?"

"Nope."

"Don't I get a 'good morning'?"

"Oh, sorry, Foreman, I didn't mean- I just way Cameron first, you were back there fixing your coffee-"

"Relax. I was just kidding. It's okay to say good morning to your girlfriend first, I totally understand."

"We're not-"

"Going out, I get it. Chase who do you think you're fooling?"

"Well, I'm sorry if I offended you, Mr. "I-actually-graduated-from-Hopkins-Med-School'. Just because you can pretend to be smart doesn't mean you're right about everything."

"Well, I was right about House ordering those iPhones."

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

**-----CLINIC ASAP –LC-----**

"What is it, guys?"

"Cuddy wants me in the clinic right now."

"Yeah, me too."

"Oh, shit."

"Hm?"

"Do remember when he was asking us if we wanted them the other morning? He probably did it just to stick our names on some endorsement, you know, spread around the blame…"

"Oh, Christ. That's why he sent us all that third email, too…"

"…and now Cuddy wants to yell at us because House probably told her that we were all over the idea."

"Well, when House shows up, I'm going to kill him."

"And you wanted to be a priest?"

"I'm a doctor now. I have a license to kill."

"You won't if Cuddy fires you. Better get going."

"See ya later, Cameron."

"Come to our funerals?"

"Of course she will, Chase. This is Allison "Ms. Empathy" Cameron we're talking about."

"Right. Well, if we all make it out alive, we can go out to lunch."

"At nine in the morning? That's all we do nowadays, isn't it? It's weird to not have any cases; I wonder what happened to them all."

"Dunno. Well, brunch, then. Anyways, pray for us."

"I'm an atheist."

"Whatever."

"Later."

"Bye!"

* * *

**jwpnj422 has signed on at 8:30 AM.**

**boycotthypocrisy has signed on at 9:42 AM.**

**jwpnj422: **HOUSE! What the hell happened to you?

**boycotthypocrisy:** i'm hiding out

**boycotthypocrisy:** i've decided to lay low for a little while, if I told you where, I'd have to kill you; but I might show up for the fiesta

**jwpnj422: **LAY LOW? House, cuddy has been rampaging around the hospital. Cameron just stopped by and told me that she called chase and foreman to her office, and they think it's because you told her that they supported the whole iPhone idea, and now they're going to get in trouble

**boycotthypocrisy:** well, maybe they should have said that they thought it was a stupid idea. Which it wasn't, just saying

**jwpnj422: **like that would go over

**boycotthypocrisy:** you got that right

**jwpnj422: **and not only did she definitely suspect you in the first place, someone forwarded her those emails you sent everyone, so now she knows about north korea and a riot during her meeting with Princeton guy

**boycotthypocrisy:** what, so now you don't think I check my email? Hello, I mentioned the fiesta earlier

**jwpnj422: **you can check your email at work outside the hospital?

**boycotthypocrisy:** what century have you been living in? human rights activists check their email every ten minutes

**jwpnj422: **house… I really feel like you should just give this whole thing up

**boycotthypocrisy:** give up?

**boycotthypocrisy:** GIVE UP?

**boycotthypocrisy:** did Robespierre give up?

**jwpnj422: **no, but he was arrested and guillotined

**boycotthypocrisy: **alright, moving on to a different metaphor

**boycotthypocrisy: **did the founding fathers of our nation give up?

**jwpnj422: **no, but only because we beat the british- with the help of the French navy- at Yorktown. If we didn't, they would have all been hanged

**boycotthypocrisy: **well, we can beat the british

**boycotthypocrisy: **you speak French, don't you? I'm as American as apple pie

**jwpnj422: **apple pie isn't American, it's british

**boycotthypocrisy: **that not being the point, we could be a team! We could beat down the opposition together!

**jwpnj422: **house, you're missing the point

**boycotthypocrisy: **could you explain your point in a metaphor?

**jwpnj422: **aaaaack!

**jwpnj422: **fine, fine

**jwpnj422: **there has been no Saratoga. There has been no battle that you have won that convinces me that you are worthy of an ally

**boycotthypocrisy: **um, if you don't mind me saying, I totally won the iPhone battle. I got them to the hospital and she's keeping them!

**jwpnj422: **you did not win the battle. You would have won the battle if she had consented to buying the iPhones, which she didn't. she's not very happy about that

**boycotthypocrisy: **were the british happy when the Americans won at Saratoga?

**jwpnj422: **you're completely missing the point

**jwpnj422: **the point is, cuddy is going to make everyone's lives- especially YOURS- miserable because of this

**boycotthypocrisy: **oh well

**jwpnj422: **wait wait wait

**jwpnj422: **does that make you happy?

**boycotthypocrisy: **of course, I loved being yelled at by sexy yet scarily controlling and hypocritical women while accumulating enough clinic hours to keep me in there until paul mccartney decides to stop making music.

**boycotthypocrisy: **and in case you didn't know, that means for at least another twenty years

**jwpnj422: **house, seriously

**jwpnj422: **cuddy has enough on her plate, she doesn't need you to give her another fiasco

**boycotthypocrisy: **she does not. Did you even look at that pie chart?

**jwpnj422: **I wasn't talking about as far as the hospital is concerned!

**boycotthypocrisy: **then what were you talking about? Dude, the hospital is her life. It's her baby

**jwpnj422: **that's exactly what I was talking about

**boycotthypocrisy: **what?

**jwpnj422: **wasn't cuddy trying to get pregnant?

**boycotthypocrisy: **well… yeah

**jwpnj422: **well, have there been any signs that she is?

**boycotthypocrisy: **come to mention it, no

**jwpnj422: **and is cuddy the type of person to give up with failure

**boycotthypocrisy: **absolutely not. I know all too well

**boycotthypocrisy: **I mean, I kept telling her I didn't want her, but persistence won in the end.

**jwpnj422: **I'm going to pretend I never read that

**jwpnj422: **but my point being, cuddy is probably still trying to get pregnant, and it's still not working. She's got to be upset

**boycotthypocrisy: **women. So emotional. It's sick, really

**jwpnj422: **you're an idiot

**jwpnj422: **and you need to come back to the hospital and apologise to cuddy

**boycotthypocrisy: **what's the point?

**boycotthypocrisy: **she won't forgive me

**jwpnj422: **house… please. You really need to

**boycotthypocrisy: **nah, just give it some time to blow over

**boycotthypocrisy: **i have miles davis LPs to listen to anyways.

**jwpnj422: **no, seriously. The longer it takes for you to come in, the more painful cuddy is going to make your imminent torture

**boycotthypocrisy: **not death?

**jwpnj422: **no. she needs you to do clinic duty. You're worth more to the hospital alive

**boycotthypocrisy: **well then let the hospital come get me

**jwpnj422: **I'll let her know that's what you want

**boycotthypocrisy: **you wouldn't do that

**jwpnj422: **watch me

**boycotthypocrisy: **ooh jimmy's scaring me, mommy

**jwpnj422: **oh, and by the way, I need a decision about the monster trucks

**jwpnj422: **the guy has someone else who wants them too, so I need to make a decision

**jwpnj422: **what's it gonna be?

**boycotthypocrisy: **oh, fine

**boycotthypocrisy: **we'll go

**jwpnj422: **thanks

**boycotthypocrisy: **hey, look, I have… seven new voicemail. Three of them are from you.

**jwpnj422: **god house I almost died yesterday because you didn't pick up your phone! That's why I left you three messages

**boycotthypocrisy: **really? What happened?

**jwpnj422: **you'll have to listen to your voicemail. Ttyl

**jwpnj422 has signed off at 10:21 AM.**

**boycotthypocrisy: **wait!

**jwpnj422 is not available**

**boycotthypocrisy: **aeorijgwjioefawe;oijgo;aiwewrjgoiaerngkjno;

**

* * *

**

_One hour later:_

KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Who's there?"

KNOCK, KNOCK.

"I said, who is it?"

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"HOUSE! OPEN UP THIS INSTANT!"

"Uh-oh-"

SLAM.

"HOUSE!"

* * *

**A/N: **So...this chapter was a bit longer than the rest of them. I don't think it was as funny as some of the previous ones, but I tried to incorporate a new historical metaphor. Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed! Your comments are always both informative and lovely. It's great to know that I'm doing a good job. Next chapter should be coming up soon, but I have all of Middlemarch to read before school starts, as well as some Calc homework and a few French essays... yep, I'm an overachiever, although I must say the laziest one I have ever met. Thanks so much! K


	5. Mucho Fabulosa

**A/N: **TWO WARNINGS TO THE UNSUSPECTING**: 1) **This chapter is NOT quite in chronological order. For your convenience, I will put the times of each event before it happens. **2) **No emails, phone calls, or IM conversations. I hope you guys enjoy! I don't know if the fiesta itself will be that funny, but the aftereffects will be, I promise.

**Chapter Five: **Mucho Fabulosa

_11:06 A.M._

"Hey, Nurse Previn- is Cuddy in?"

"Oh, hi, Dr. Yamahasu! Ah, no, she just left a few minutes ago."

"To somewhere else in the building, or did she leave the hospital altogether?"

"Well, she didn't say, but she did take her purse and sunglasses with her, so I'm assuming that she left the hospital. She was talking to Dr. Wilson a few minutes ago, he told her something and then she sort of stormed out angrily after he left."

"Oh, okay… will you page me when she comes back in? There's a problem with one of the clean rooms, an air filter broke and we need to get it replaced, but I need her to sign off on it before we ordered a new one."

"Wouldn't want to pull a House and bypass getting Cuddy's signature, would you?"

"Hah, you've got that right. Did you hear about that fiesta that obstetrics is holding this afternoon?"

"Yeah, but I'm a nurse. I have work to do, unlike the rest of you hot-shot doctors out there. Are you going?"

"I might stop in. I figure that if half the doctors in this hospital are going, she can't get too mad with any particular individual."

"You have a point there. Well, don't have too much fun."

"I won't! And let me know when Cuddy's in, won't you?"

"Sure. See you later!"

* * *

_11:25 A.M._

"_Hi, this is Honey! Sing your song at the beep. BEEEEP!"_

"_Hi, Honey, it's House. Greg. I wanted to let you know that it would be great to see you on the second, just let me know what time and I'll be there. Bye."_

_

* * *

_

_10:42 A.M._

"Oh, hey, guys! How did it go?"

"Actually, not as bad as I expected."

"Really?"

"Yeah, she just wanted to know if we had actually helped House with ordering the iPhones, and if he's planning anything else."

"And she trusted you?"

"Well, she seemed a bit skeptical at first, when I was the only one talking, but then Chase spoke right up and- well, Chase is the ultimate tattler, so it was obvious that he was telling the truth-"

"I am not! I just don't like it when House risks my job over some stupid little secret he's keeping."

"I'm surprised, it didn't take you all very long."

"Yeah, well, Wilson came in and asked if he could speak with Cuddy, and I guess she figured that she was done with us."

"I was talking to Wilson a few minutes ago, I told him that you guys were in there."

"Hm. Well, what do we do now? We don't have a case, and I've finished all my clinic duty for the month. What about you all?"

"Yeah, me too. I would say that we go out to lunch, but did you hear about that fiesta that obstetrics is holding?"

"Oh, yeah. Were you seriously planning on going to that?"

"It's not like we have anything else to do! Come on, Cameron, loosen up. We can't get in trouble or anything, lots of people are going."

"Yeah, Cameron, if Chase gets wasted enough, maybe you'll get to see him take his shirt off."

"Foreman!"

SMACK!

"Ow! Okay, okay, I'll stop. Christ, you two are touchy."

"Well, if that's the case, then we can just eat lunch here. We can go outside, it's been really nice this week."

"What, if it's the case that Chase is going to take his shirt off? Sorry, sorry, didn't mean it! I didn't mean it!"

"I guess it's beyond the point asking where House is right now."

"Do you really care?"

"No, just curious."

"Sure."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Chase, you need to lighten up, too. Come on, I'm hungry."

"Fine…"

* * *

_11:31 A.M._

KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Who's there?"

KNOCK, KNOCK.

"I said, who is it?"

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"HOUSE! OPEN UP THIS INSTANT!"

"Uh-oh-"

SLAM.

"HOUSE!"

"Oh, dear goodness- I've got to welcome you into my home, wait a while by the door while I tidy up-"

"Don't get up."

"I thought you might say that. My dear Lisa, sometimes your doctoral empathy gets the best of you, but I must insist."

"No, House. I want you to stay sitting so I can make sure you're listening to me."

"Did you just say something?"

"HOUSE! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?"

"Well, for the past day or so I've been getting some much needed R&R."

"YOU ordered over $200,000 DOLLARS WORTH of technological equipment that I DID NOT AUTHORIZE, under the pretense that I am a SCHEMING, SELFISH, HYPOCRITICAL, trying to turn the members of this hospital AGAINST ME in my effort to give the staff MORE MONEY!. Imagine that, me trying to RAISE THE SALARIES OF MY DOCTORS! How UNHEARD OF! And then, you have the indecency to spend the past two days hiding out at your apartment like a child who's afraid of getting punished!"

"I don't think there was a single statement in that sentence that I could disagree with."

"Then WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME? What is this, some sick game of revenge for something that I did in a past life? Why does my life have to be miserable, House? Just because your life certainly is doesn't mean that you have to infect the rest of us with your cynical, bitter dejectedness!"

"Think of it this way: I was testing your strength under pressure. On a scale of one to ten, I'd almost give you a seven, but that's probably only because I wasn't there to hear you blow the roof off the top of the building."

"Testing my strength under PRESSURE? House, you have NO IDEA the pressure that I am under!"

"Oh, yeah? Boy, anxiously waiting for your phone to ring with philanthropically-or-otherwise minded donors must really take nerves of steel."

"I'm not talking about my JOB! You- you have no…"

"What?"

"You just don't- sniff have a clue-"

"…"

"But it's not like you would care, you're just a heartless bastard-"

"Do you need a tissue?"

"I don't WANT you to ask me if I need a TISSUE!"

"Okay, okay, I get it, just trying to be helpful! Way to-"

"What, be a hypocrite? Gregory House, you are the exact opposite of helpful! You complicate EVERYTHING to no end, and you just sit in your office keeping happy solving your little puzzles, while the rest of us have REAL problems!"

"What, the saving the lives of patients aren't real problems, now? That's new."

"You're never satisfied with anything the way it is-"

"I am TOO satisfied with the way things are! I've gotten used to being a cripple forty years before I should have been, I've gotten used to being underappreciated-"

"Oh, shut up! No, let me rephrase that: you're never satisfied with anything I ever do! It's always me, I'm always the one at fault, I'm always the one holding you down, keeping you down, getting in your way, and I just… it's just…"

"What? What do you want to say? Could you stop talking in circles and say what you're going to say?"

"No, you wouldn't care, you'd just RIDICULE me like you always do, and it would be a waste of my time telling you!"

"Well, if you don't tell me, I'll be forced to assume that you have no real reason for being upset and are just being a bitch."

"See, that is what I HATE ABOUT YOU! You NEVER assume that other people have problems, because they can walk! As if you were happy when you COULD walk!"

"Cuddy, I want to know! Tell me what's going on!"

"No!"

"Cuddy, you're only saying 'no' because you think that I don't really care and then am going to spread your secret all around the hospital."

"You…you want to know?"

"Yes. I'd like to know why tears are streaming out of your eyes like…jeez, I can't really think of a metaphor for that one."

"Simile."

"Huh?"

"It's a- it's a simile, not a metaphor. You used the word 'like'."

"There's the bossy, know-it-all Cuddy we know and love! Now tell me."

"Somehow, the sincerity was just lost in the bouncy and cheerful tone of your voice."

SIGH.

"No, I really care…Lisa."

"What did you just call me?"

"Lisa? Or is that not your name anymore? I can call you by your stripper name, if you really want."

"You never call me Lisa."

"Sorry, last-ditch effort to regain sincerity. It's sort of hard, have to keep up the bad-ass don't-care reputation, you know. But seriously, I want to know what's going on."

"Well…"

* * *

_1:14 P.M._

"Hey, guys! Grab a Corona! Party's just started!"

"And yet, there are still at least a hundred people here."

"So, what's going on up there in Diagnostics?"

"Oh, not much, we haven't had a case in a few days now."

"Yeah, I figured as much. Otherwise, House wouldn't have had time to get us all iPhones anyways!"

"Yeah, but when do you think we're going to get them?"

"Oh, hey, Schuler. Any day now, I would think. Cuddy said we'd have to keep them."

"This is so sweet, getting iPhones for free. And I'd be skeptical, but the hospital pays for service on our pagers, so they have to pay for iPhone service, too, don't they?"

"Yeah, probably. Hey, you all, out there! Yeah, you Pathology geeks! Come get some chips and salsa, we've got more than enough for everyone!"

"Someone got into the Corona early."

"Oh, shut up, Beckham. Hey, you free on Saturday?"

"Maybe."

"Come to Fall Out Boy concert with me?"

"Kaufman, you're a thirty-one year-old gynecologist. What are you doing at Fall Out Boy concerts?"

"What are you doing at Coldplay concerts?"

"You went to Coldplay? You should have told me, my friend got sick and canceled on me and I had to go by myself!"

"Is that a yes?"

"Oh, fine."

* * *

_11:46 A.M._

"I got pregnant."

"You… you're pregnant?"

* * *

_1:41 P.M._

"Hey, Baker! Good job on organizing the fiesta. I never knew that they made piñatas in the shape of syringes."

"There's a traditional neon-colored donkey in the corner over there if it's dampening your mood, Lawson."

"No, no, just commenting. What did you guys stuff in those piñatas, anyways?"

"Party favors."

"I'm taking it that you don't want to specify in front of that cute intern standing two feet away from you."

"Yeah, you'd be right. I might come across a bit crass if I told you in front of her, wouldn't want to make the wrong impression."

"Baker, you are crass. Would I be right in assuming that you come across these 'party favors' quite frequently as a part of your profession?"

"Absolutely, my dear Watson."

"Remind me once I'm drunk not to take a whack at it."

"I will… if I'm so capacitated."

* * *

_11:47 A.M._

"No. I'm not pregnant."

"Then why did you just say-"

* * *

_2:04 P.M._

"Oh, sorry- hey, Wilson! What are you doing here?"

"Oh, nothing better to do. Heard that eating spicy food was good for your metabolism."

"Come on, Wilson, you don't need to lose weight!"

"You'd be surprised."

"Yeah, well, same here. Chase and Foreman look like they're having a good time, though."

"I'm taking it you're playing the part of designated driver."

"After the number of Coronas they've had, they'll need me to five feet past the door without knocking over something."

"Is it that bad?"

"Actually… not really. They just laugh at anything and everything for a while, then wake up the next morning grumpy and confused."

"You would know from experience?"

"Yeah, unfortunately."

"…"

"No, no, no, I didn't mean it that way! I just meant…"

"It's okay, I know. I was just kidding."

"Thank god. I get enough of that from Foreman and House."

"I completely understand. Well, it's been fun."

"You just came in here."

"I can say that I went, now I have a patient to see."

"You said you had nothing better to do!"

"Maybe I exaggerated. Just a tiny bit."

"Oh, Wilson… see you later, then!"

"Good luck playing chaperone to Chase and Foreman. I'm sure you always do a good job."

"Well, as they say, practice makes perfect. Bye!"

"See you, Cameron!"

* * *

_11:48 A.M._

"Because I got pregnant on my sixth in vitro fertilization… and then…six weeks later…"

"And when… was the last fertilization treatment?"

"April."

"That means…oh, god, Cuddy, I'm- I'm just…"

"It's okay. You don't need to be sorry, I know you're not."

"How do you know that? What, so now you have little psychic implants inside my brain?"

"No, I just know that you're never sorry for anyone. Not even yourself, you just…translate it into anger, or do stupid things-

"-like buying 325 iPhones-"

"-or sit at home, playing your piano."

"So I'm supposed to start yelling at your dysfunctional embryos now? Or should I play them some music? Don't tell me you fall for that whole 'Mozart baby' crap. Jazz is much better for the developing psyche."

"House… as amusing as you're being, you're sort of missing the point."

"Well, do you want me to stick to the point so that can dwell on your miscarriage forever?"

"Are you calling me overemotional?"

"No, I'm saying that… I'm saying that if you dwell on it forever, the thought of it is going to… is going to get in your way."

"…"

"…"

"House…"

"What?"

"…thank you."

"Well, since you're so grateful for my sage advice, will you do me a favor?"

"Not the type you're thinking of."

"Oh, too bad. Well, can we go out for lunch? I don't have anything in my kitchen and am too incapacitated to go out for groceries."

"How do you survive?"

"I have unique mitochondrial structure that allows me to convert air directly into ATP."

"Oh, really?"

"Yes. Especially Italian-tasting air."

"Wait, would this be Italian-American or regional Italian air we're talking about?"

"Oh, god, please don't tell me you're a food snob. I bet you subscribe to Food & Wine, don't you?"

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I knew it! It fits perfectly with your personality. And your body shape."

"I don't pay you to take note of my body shape."

"So? You don't pay me to change the passwords to the Technology administration system, either."

"WHAT?"

"Just kidding!"

"You better be. Come on, let's go, I need to get back to the hospital before 2:00, my meeting with the Head of Princeton was postponed."

"Wow, for a second I thought you ditched him to come see me."

"Dream on."

"Oh, I will."


	6. Who Is Cameron Interested In, Anyways?

**Chapter Six: **Who Is Cameron Interested in, Anyways?

"_Hi, you've reached Allison Cameron. Leave a message and I'll get back to you! Thanks!"_

_"Hey, Cameron…it's, uh, __Wilson__. How did the party go this afternoon? I hope that Chase and Foreman haven't proven to be too hard to handle, but I'm sure you could do it. You know, I, uh, was going to go to a monster truck rally with House on the second, I've gotten tickets to go, but I have…reason to believe that he's not going to be going because I think he'll be doing something else… but anyways, I had heard from him that he took you to one once and you enjoyed it so, I was…I was wondering if…you would like to go with me if you're not doing anything else. I mean, it's totally okay if you can't come, I don't really know why I'm asking you, no offense, but I just… well, I thought you might want to go, and I really enjoy talking to you, so… you can call me back, or come find me today, or shoot me an email, or something. So… see you later! Bye." _

* * *

"Oh, hey, Wilson! I got your message." 

"Oh, uh, really? It's perfectly okay if you don't want to go, I was just asking, really-"

"No, Wilson, I'd- I'd love to go! It's so sweet of you to ask me. But you said that House was going to go?"

"Well, yes, but then, something happened, so…"

"Between you and House?"

"No, no, he's…he's doing something else that day."

"Really? Did he just… cancel on you? I mean, I'd pick House to not accept in the first place, but I wouldn't think that he'd cancel anything. "

"Well, actually, he didn't really cancel on me… he didn't actually tell me that he was doing something else."

"Then how did you-"

"You can check anyone's Verizon voicemail from any phone as long as you know their password."

"Ah… I see… well, I'm really sorry that you're upset. That was really unnecessary of him."

"Do I look upset?"

"Well, no, just sort of… you know, a bit… kind of… flustered?"

"Thanks a lot, Cameron. That really makes me feel a lot better."

"It's okay. I mean, I understand that you guys are friends, and it's perfectly normal to be upset if he ditches on you. Trust me, it's not that weird."

"Okay, okay, anyways... I guess I'll talk to you later once I have more details. Is that okay?"

"That's great! I'm really excited."

"Good, that's great. I gotta go, appointment with a patient…"

"Bye!"

* * *

**Welcome, Dean Chandler!**

**You have -1- unread message**

**To: **dchandler

**From: **jwilson

**Re: **Monster Truck Rally, July 2nd

Hi, Dean! You know, I'm definitely taking the tickets. I was just waiting on my date to confirm that she could come before I took them. I'm sorry that you can't give them to the other couple, but we'd really like to go. Thank you for this!

Sincerely,

Dr. James Wilson, M.D.

Head of Oncology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

"_Hi, this is Honey! Sing your song at the beep. BEEEEP!"_

"_Hi, Honey, it's House- Greg- again. You know, I know I said that I was going to come to that Vegan thing with you, but I was doing something else that evening anyways, and really, I'm not at all interested in being a vegan. At all. Period, end of story. So, it's regrettable that we will be unable to spend quality time together, but I really don't like vegan food. Or vegans. You're pretty, but I'm not going to tell you to not take it personally. Bye." _

* * *

**Welcome, James Wilson! **

**You have -3- unread messages**

**Message -1-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **cbaker

**Subj: **Fiesta this Afternoon

Hey y'all! First off, thanks to everyone who came out to the fiesta today. We had a great time, especially once Lydgate from the Outpatient Center started belting out "Oye Como Va" along to the karaoke player while winning the Limbo tournament. Speaking of, if you brought in that karaoke player, please pick it up. It's not ours, and it doesn't have a name on it. We don't expect you to remember if it's yours right now, seeing as you probably have more Coronas in you than a Southern Californian teenager on Spring Break in Tijuana.

Also, thank you to everyone who helped us consume the Corona. Now, we only have six six-packs left for the ten of us to drink all by ourselves. I mean, not many women in labor want their obstetricians to be drunk when they're delivering their baby, so you guys have really done the world a service.

And- an added bonus to us, who have to clean up the mess- you guys were the cleanest bunch of partiers that we've seen in a long time! I mean, besides the fact that there are "party favors" all over the floor and beer in the potted palm tree, the room sustained minimal damage. Good for you!

So- we hoped that the fiesta helped to tide you over until you get your iPhone. A secret source has confirmed that you will get yours by July 3rd. Isn't that great? I mean, yeah, so maybe it's a little over a week away, but you can wait that long. We have faith in you! And if it turns out you can't, we think that a luau might be in order. Let us know.

Adios,

Dr. Charlie Baker, M.D.

Obstetrics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -2-**

**To: **jwilson

**From: **dchandler

**Re:Re: **Monster Truck Rally, July 2nd

Sure, Dr. Wilson! I've sent you the tickets in the mail, so they should be there either today or tomorrow. The pre-show events start at 7:00, and the Center will be open at 5:00. I hope you enjoy the show! My regards to your date, I hope she enjoys it.

Sincerely,

Dean Chandler

Montego Pavilion Concert Center, Owner

Princeton, New Jersey

* * *

**Message -3-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **lcuddy

**Subj: **Secretary

Hello, PPTH Staff!

I must quickly update you all on a new development in the Administrative, Accounting, and Legal Departments. As of tomorrow, there will now be a secretary for each of the departments through which it will be necessary for all of you to contact the Heads of each department, meaning myself, Ms. Marna of Accounting, and Mr. Hendrick of Legal. Our personal pager and phone numbers will still be in operation, but please use these for emergency contact only.

Thank you very much!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy, M.D.

Dean of Medicine, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**allieburger721 has signed on at 8:32 P.M.**

**melbournerugby14 has signed on at 8:45 P.M.**

**allieburger721: **hey, chase! Do you want to hear something really funny?

**melbournerugby14: **are you normally this talkative

**allieburger721: **I'm not even speaking out loud and I'm giving you a headache? Im guessing you were one of the top contributors to the "drink all the corona for the ob-gyns" relief effort

**melbournerugby14: **actually you'd be surprised, you know lydgate?

**allieburger721: **radiology?

**melbournerugby14: **yeah, outpatient. Well, someone brought in a karaoke machine, and

**allieburger721: **actually, I don't want to hear it. I don't like gossip

**melbournerugby14: **it's not gossip, 140 people were there!

**allieburger721: **still. I don't like it.

**melbournerugby14: **okay, okay, touchy

**allieburger721: **so do you want to hear something really funny?

**melbournerugby14: **is it funny like a joke

**melbournerugby14: **or funny as in really weird

**melbournerugby14: **or funny as in dealing with someone that we know

**allieburger721: **the last one

**melbournerugby14: **I thought you didn't like gossip

**allieburger721: **I don't. this directly involves me.

**melbournerugby14: **Cameron, you are a mass of contradictions. Are you bipolar?

**allieburger721: **absolutely not!

**melbournerugby14: **oh, right, I forgot, you're a secret

**allieburger721: **I'm not going to continue this conversation if you keep making fun of me

**melbournerugby14: **fine, fine. What is it?

**allieburger721: **Wilson asked me to a monster truck rally on the second because he was supposed to go with House, and then House ditched him but didn't even tell him that he was ditching him, but Wilson found out that he was anyways.

**melbournerugby14: **and House doesn't know that Wilson ditched him and asked you

**allieburger721: **no, I don't think so

**melbournerugby14: **this is like grey's anatomy

**allieburger721: **except NOT AT ALL

**allieburger721: **you've obviously never seen grey's anatomy

**melbournerugby14: **you're right, I haven't

**allieburger721: **I don't like it either, but I have seen it

**allieburger721: **and the characters never have their relationships strained over monster truck rallies

**melbournerugby14: **so Wilson asked you?

**allieburger721: **bizarre, right? I wonder why…

**melbournerugby14: **you wonder why? Cameron, it's because you're completely gorgeous and smart and caring and sweet

**allieburger721: **….

**melbournerugby14: **does my complimenting you offend you?

**allieburger721:**... thank you? It's not tuesday

**melbournerugby14: **I never said I couldn't tell you how I feel about you on any other day of the week. I just said that I wouldn't ask you out, which I haven't done

**allieburger721: **you are so antagonizing!

**melbournerugby14: **I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be

**allieburger721: **wait a second… are you jealous that Wilson asked me to a monster truck rally? As a friend who understands what he's going through?

**melbournerugby14: **what is he going through?

**allieburger721: **uh, only the fact all his serious relationships to date have failed, and now house just keeps adding insult to injury

**melbournerugby14: **and you want to be in a successful relationship with him?

**allieburger721: **NO! NO! absolutely not! I just feel bad for him and I care about him as a good person

**melbournerugby14: **you don't feel bad for me?

**allieburger721: **yes, I absolutely pity your lack of a brain. But I'm not going out with you

**melbournerugby14: **that's CRUEL. I thought you had compassion for your fellow man

**allieburger721: **whatever.

**melbournerugby14: **whatever!? I should save this conversation and post it all over the hospital so that everyone can see how uncompassionate you really are

**allieburger721: **please don't pull a house. I don't think I could ever talk to you again.

**melbournerugby14: **you still talk to house!

**allieburger721: **no, I don't. I haven't seen him since he "pulled a house".

**melbournerugby14: **right. But you would if you had

**allieburger721: **I gotta go. My mom's calling

**melbournerugby14: **go talk to mommy!

**allieburger721: **shut up

**melbournerugby14: **cold. You're just cold.

**allieburger721 has signed off at 9:02 P.M.**

**theforeMAN88 has signed on at 9:03 P.M.**

**theforeMAN88: **hey chase, how's it going?

**melbournerugby14: **actually, I was just about to sign off foreman, I have a headache

**theforeMAN88: **too much corona?

**melbournerugby14: **WHY does everyone take me for an alcoholic? WHY? WHY, GOD, WHY?

**theforeMAN88: **sorry, man, just kidding

**melbournerugby14: **yeah, right. Later.

**melbournerugby14 has signed off at 9:04 P.M.**

**theforeMAN88: **am I missing something?

* * *

"Good morning, gu- House! What are you doing here?" 

"What, Officer Cameron, am I not allowed to come into my office anymore? I do work here, and I don't see any 'Caution' tape."

"We just… we haven't seen you since Tuesday! It's Friday! Where have you been?"

"Does it really matter? I'm here now; why aren't you running over here to give me a kiss out of the sheer joy that I'm alive?"

"Because you order iPhones for the entire staff, don't show up in the office for two whole days, and then you waltz in here like nothing's happened! And of course, there's Wilson!"

"I don't think that waltz is quite the correct verb, sort of hard with the cane, you know… but what about Wilson?"

"What do you mean, what about Wilson? He asks you to go to a monster truck rally with him, you schedule something on the same evening, and you don't even tell him that you canceled on him?"

"How do you know about all of this? Have you been eavesdropping again? I'll have to talk to Maintenance about the keyholes at this place…"

"House, it's not funny! I haven't been eavesdropping, I know because Wilson asked me to go with him!"

"He WHAT?!?"

"What, Officer House, am I not allowed to go to a monster truck rally as a friend with another doctor who just happens to work in the same hospital?"

"Uh, NO! This is Wilson we're talking about here! He'll suck your naïve self into his vicious whirlpool of selfish compassion, and you'll never get out! You'll wind up married and divorced by December."

"As I said before, we're going because, a) you apparently told him that I enjoyed the one monster truck rally that we went to, b) he has tickets and you ditched him, and c) we're JUST FRIENDS!"

"Right, I forgot you were with Chase."

"AAAGH! Stop! This is not about me, it's about you! You have absolutely no right as Wilson's friend to ditch him and not even let him know about it, that's just- that's just-"

"What, breaking the friendship code? Well, if Wilson had waited just a little bit before he got all upset, he would have known that a) I never ditched him in the first place, the thing I was going to was earlier that morning, b) I CANCELED on the person I was supposed to go with to said event, seeing as our nutritional philosophies are incompatible, and c) I don't need to give you a c) answer, I'm your boss, and each of my excuses are worth at least two of yours!"

"But still, you should have let him know about this! I mean, he really values your friendship, and it really hurts him when you do inconsiderate things like this."

"Oh, please, don't lecture me about hurting Wilson's feelings. Wilson's emotions aren't half as fragile as you think they are."

"You know what? You need a serious reality check. You have no idea how much you muck up peoples' lives! I mean, Cuddy's been enormously upset all week-"

"Oho, that's where you're wrong! Cuddy's been taken care of, thank you very much. I think if you went to talk to her right now and mentioned me, you'd be extremely surprised."

"You know what, I was going to the clinic anyways to finish up some of your hours, but I think I'll stop in on Cuddy to see for myself that you're not just a lying bastard."

"Let's see… what day of the week is it?"

"Friday."

"Friday's a truthful morning, I think. You have no reason to doubt me."

"Yes, I do, House! You lie about anything and everything!"

"Well, I'm coming with you!"

"Fine!"

* * *

"Excuse me, Doctor Cuddy, are you busy? Can I give you a hand?" 

"I'd give you a hand, too, if it weren't physically impossible."

"Right, House. No, it's okay, Cameron, I was just setting up for my new secretary-"

"Your WHAT?!?"

"Check your email, House."

"Ah, I see. Well, Dr. Cuddy, I was coming to see if you were… well, if you were doing okay, you've seemed really flustered these past few days, and I was wondering if there was anything I could do for you."

"No, no, I'm perfectly alright! Everything's fine now."

"No, it's not! You just hired a new SECRETARY! You promised me yesterday that you had given up on hiring subhumanly intelligent Zac Efron clones as administrative assistants. I feel hurt!"

"You were talking to each other yesterday? So… everything's alright?"

"Cameron, I'm not quite sure what you're talking about."

"She isn't either."

"Shut up, House. Yes, House and I are on perfectly normal terms right now. Now, if you would excuse us, Cameron, I'd like to have a private moment with Dr. House."

"Ooh, I'd love to step into your office! Can you ask me to step into your office? Another reason hiring a secretary is a bad idea- you can't try that pickup line on me anymore!"

"Goodbye, Dr. Cameron."

"Uh… bye?"

"So… why did you drag me into your office?"

"I just felt uncomfortable talking to you in front of Cameron."

"I always feel uncomfortable talking in front of Cameron, especially when she's glaring daggers of morality at my back. But go on."

"House, I'm not mad at you, and I don't want to get mad at you, but please don't harass my new secretary. He has an excellent résumé, and I really don't want to scare him away; I just have so much paperwork that I need help with."

"You know, Cuddy, there's something I wanted to ask you, so this is perfect."

"What, House?"

"Can I father your baby?"

"WHAT?"

"Just kidding! That wasn't it. I really wanted to ask you… if you'd like to go out with me tomorrow night."

"Wait a second- is this a date, or some evil scheme to get me out of the hospital so that your evil henchmen can blow it up while I'm not there?"

"Why don't you trust me? I just wanted to go out to dinner with you. I like eating with you; you have very interesting commentary on the whole food deal."

"Really?"

"Really really."

"Well… I guess I could come. I'm not doing anything. Where did you have in mind?"

"Don't know. Probably won't know until we've been looking for a restaurant for two hours."

"Great. Oh, look, here comes Peter! I'd better welcome him, get him set up."

"ZAC EFRON! CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH?"

"What? My name's Peter, I don't know what-"

"HOUSE!"

**A/N: **So there's Chapter Six! Please review this time, I got about three on the last chapter, and it was remotely painful, but I'll live, just as long as you review now! I'm planning on having about one or two more chapters, plus a short epilogue. The story's going to end the morning after both dates, so... I liked writing the IM conversation between Chase and Cameron, so I think I might have a few more of those. School starts in a few days, so it might take me a little while, but stay tuned! Thanks to all of my faithful reviewers and people who have added my story to your favorites list; I really appreciate it. Love! K


	7. Baker's Association of Princeton

**a/n: **Sorry, guys. When I posted Chapter 8, I accidentally posted it in this one's spot. Here it is again!

**Chapter 7: **Remember Seventh Grade?

**melbournerugby14 has signed on at 8:43 A.M.**

**theforeMAN88 has signed on at 10:04 A.M.**

**melbournerugby14: **foreman!

**theforeMAN88: **whoa whoa hold on a second, I just signed on! Why are you even awake this early on a saturday?

**melbournerugby14: **oops sorry

**theforeMAN88: **okay go ahead what's going on?

**melbournerugby14: **I wanted to ask you a question, seeing as I can't figure out the answer

**theforeMAN88: **although I don't like playing the role of dear abby, fire away

**melbournerugby14: **how come really boring older guys can score dates with really pretty, smart, nice girls all the time and young, attractive guys like us have to stay at home on Saturday nights watching grey's anatomy reruns?

**theforeMAN88: **what episode?

**melbournerugby14: **what?

**theforeMAN88: **what episode comes on tonight? I mean, you don't actually have to tell me which one it is, just whether it's pre-, post-, or during-addison. I feel like the pre-addison episodes were of higher quality

**melbournerugby14: **I didn't mean that literally, you dolt, I was just saying watching grey's as an example. I don't watch grey's anatomy, it's too… girly

**theforeMAN88: **chase, those past few sentences were not as discreet as I know you think they were

**melbournerugby14: **what do you mean, not discreet?

**theforeMAN88: **everyone knows that wilson's taking Cameron out on a date and you're jealous, and I know that you secretly like her, and I know that you don't find grey's too girly, otherwise, you wouldn't have denied your interest in the show without me even asking you

**melbournerugby14: **grey's anatomy has no place in this conversation. Is that the only show people watch nowadays? God, Cameron was talking to me about it too the other night

**theforeMAN88: **tell me chase

**theforeMAN88: **are you interested in cuddy?

**melbournerugby14: **WHAT?! No!!

**melbournerugby14: **to be honest, im not really into the whole dominatrix thing

**melbournerugby14: **but why do you ask?

**theforeMAN88: **because I was making sure that you weren't because if you were, the next piece of information that I was about to inform you of would have really depressed you

**melbournerugby14: **what do you mean?

**melbournerugby14: omg omg**

**melbournerugby14: **is she… you know, is she… is she a…

**theforeMAN88: **no chase, it's not that bad

**theforeMAN88: **at least, I think that cuddy being a you know what wouldn't be as bad as the reason for which some of her potential admirers would be depressed

**theforeMAN88: **and if you ever say omg again I will personally slip cyanide into your morning coffee

**melbournerugby14: **sorry. But tell me about cuddy

**theforeMAN88: **you are such a middle-school girl

**melbournerugby14: **I am not! Now tell me about cuddy!

**theforeMAN88: **in short, house asked her out tonight and she accepted willingly

**melbournerugby14: **WHAT!?

**theforeMAN88: **she must be desperate. I always thought that, besides the manic obsession she displays towards her work, she was a quite attractive person to many people and was capable of scoring a decent date

**melbournerugby14: **I'm sorry, that's just twister

**theforeMAN88: **twister? Is that aussie speak for weird?

**melbournerugby14: **twisted, sorry

**theforeMAN88: **well I won't go far to say that its twisted, im just saying that it's unexpected

**melbournerugby14: **actually, I don't think it is unexpected

**theforeMAN88: **so it's twisted but not unexpected

**melbournerugby14: **alright, reformulation: Cameron with Wilson is twisted. House with cuddy is superficially unexpected but actually, come to think of it, not that extraordinary

**theforeMAN88: **you have a point. I mean they're always all over each other

**melbournerugby14: **yeah. He still hasn't gotten over her

**theforeMAN88: **wait he was with her? At one time?

**melbournerugby14: **no duh sherlock

**theforeMAN88: **I'm sorry if I don't believe every passing rumor

**melbournerugby14: **anyways I'm bored and dateless

**theforeMAN88: **want to go out for a beer? Or two?

**melbournerugby14: **make it four and sure

**theforeMAN88: **okay. O'donovan's?

**melbournerugby14: **why not

**theforeMAN88: **cool. Maybe they'll be playing grey's anatomy on the new plasmas instead of golf

**melbournerugby14: **ha ha ha. Very funny. That was about the stupidest joke ive ever heard

**theforeMAN88: **and you were at that ob-gyn party the other day?

**melbournerugby14: **touché. See you soon

**theforeMAN88: **see you soon

* * *

_12:47 P.M._

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Who is it?"

"Doctor Cuddy? It's Cameron."

"Oh, sure, come on in."

"Great weather, hm? Am I interrupting lunch?"

"No, you're fine. Please don't tell me you're here to report that House has bought a private island for the hospital staff to go to on vacation."

"Actually… could we sit down? Are you busy right now?"

"No, not really. Coffee? I just made a pot."

"Um… sure, why not? I'm so sorry if I'm getting in your way, I don't want to bother you."

"Cameron, you're not in my way, stop apologizing! Cream or sugar?"

"Just sugar, please."

"Thank God, because I'm out of cream. Now what's going on?"

"Well, I really just wanted to ask you some things…about Wilson."

"Wilson? Why?"

"I'm nervous."

"Why?"

"Too many reasons."

"Hm. Glad I'm not the only one."

"Only one what?"

"Who's nervous about her date tonight for too many reasons."

"Really? Do you not know your date really well?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHhahahahahahaha…………."

"I'm taking that as a no."

"Good deductive skills, Cameron. I can see why you're a good diagnostician."

"I'm also taking that as an 'I'm going on a date with House'."

"Once again, you amaze me."

"Well, you're just beyond help… but Cuddy, I really am nervous about going out with Wilson. What if he doesn't find me interesting? Or what if he finds me too interesting?"

"God, Cameron, Wilson wouldn't ask you out if any of the above were true. Trust me."

"Okay… thanks, I guess. But I'm still nervous."

"Calm down. You're adults. You'll be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You'll have a great time."

"…"

"Let's bake brownies."

"WHAT!?"

"Brownies. Ever had them? Brown, chocolatey, cut into squares, chewy, baked in the oven…"

"Okay, Cuddy, it's not like I've never had brownies before. I meant, why do you want to bake brownies? That's sort of random."

"Because I can tell that unless you do something productive-"

"Baking brownies is productive?"

"-you're never going to get your mind off of being worried. Besides, chocolate contains an extraordinarily high amount of endorphins. The endorphin emergency alert is flashing above your head right now."

"Fine. Where's the flour?"

"Over there in the pantry… like Alicia Keys?"

"Yeah, I think she's great. Why?"

"Just got her new CD. We can listen to it while we bake."

"Cool."

* * *

_Four hours later…_

"Uh… Cuddy, how many batches of brownies did we just bake?"

"Looks like… seventeen."

"SEVENTEEN batches of brownies? How long did it take to bake… oh, no, it's almost five o'clock! I have to go home and get ready!!"

"Oh God, I have to get ready too. Go home, I'll clean up."

"No, I'll help. What are you going to do with SEVENTEEN batches of brownies?"

"Don't know, give them to the neighborhood kids or something. I'll figure it out later."

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"Oh God, that's probably House. I'll go get the door."

"Why is Cameron's car parked in your driveway?"

"Why do you care?"

"Ah, I see she's in your kitchen assisting you in… wrapping up brownies? What is this, some new sort of cooking therapy that your quack psychiatrist… what's his name, Jensen? prescribed? Don't tell me you listen to him, he told my neighbor to take up sword-swallowing. Next think you know, ended up in the ER with a machete down his throat."

"House, we were just baking."

"Baking? Please further define."

"Oh, shut up. You know what I mean."

"Actually, I do, seeing the copious amounts of flour all over your face."

"Shit, there's flour on my face?"

"Sure. There, and there, and there, and a little on your ear…"

"Shit, I'm not even ready! I have to go take a shower and get changed… where's your car? Aren't you driving us to dinner?"

"Didn't bring it."

"Bike?"

"Nope."

"How did you get here?"

"Wilson dropped me off on the way to Cameron's."

"SHIT! Wilson's on his way to my HOUSE? I'm not even there, I'm still wrapping up all these brownies!"

"That's what you get for being a fat brownie-eater."

"I am not FAT!"

"No, but you are self-conscious. And so are you, Cuddy. Don't think Cameron's the only one."

"Wait… if Wilson dropped you off here, how the hell are we supposed to get to dinner?"

"Well, you have a car, don't you? A pretty fabulous car, last time I heard… Cadillac? No, wait a second, A BMW… no, that's not right…. Oh! I almost forgot! You have a JAG! Let's take that."

"You purposefully had Wilson drop you off just so we would be stuck riding in my Jag? I thought you were over that!"

"I am. I'm not mad at you anymore. But I gotta say, seeing that lovely V8 engine gleaming in the garage is giving me heart palpitations…"

"Urrrrgh! I have to shower."

"Can I come with?"

"Absolutely NOT! You stay down here. Cameron, you really can leave, House can wrap up the rest of the brownies."

"Okay. Thanks, Cuddy! We should do this again sometime."

"Sure."

"Come on, move it! Dinner reservations for six-thirty!"

"Since when do you make dinner reservations?"

"I lied. Just tried to make you hurry, but you obviously saw through my clever plan."

"Whatever. Bye, Cameron!"

"Have fun with Wilson. And whatever you do, DO NOT let him take you home. I don't want to be his best man for the third time."

"Shut up."

SLAM.

"Oooh, these are GHIRADELLI brownies! My favorite!"


	8. Who Wants a Doc with a Social Disease?

****

A/N: In between listening to the Baltimore classical radio station and listening to a BUNCH of musical soundtracks, I have heard the songs from _West Side Story_ approximately 94 times. Ergo, title of this chapter. I thought that the line (originally with the word "kid", of course) was very witty. Plus, new form of communication this chapter! My texting bill was over 30 last month, and I was wondering why I hadn't thought to use texting in this before. Oh, and about the emails- I know that they all say PPTH Staff. Just assume that the subject of conversation in them has been temporarily deleted from the mailing list.

**Chapter 8: **Who Wants a Doctor with a Social Disease?

"_Hello, you have reached the office of Dr. Lisa Cuddy. To speak with her secretary, press 1. To-"_

BEEP!

"Hello, Dr. Cuddy's office. How may I help you?"

"Peter, it's Cuddy. I need you to do me a favor."

"OH MY GOD, ARE YOU TALKING TO ZAC? MARRY ME, ZAC! Your eyes are so dreamy! And your blatantly fake-tanned skin, and your blatantly highlighted hair, and-"

"House! Shut up!"

"Uh, sure Dr. Cuddy… what can I do for you?"

"Do you know where my house is?"

"Well, no, but I can Mapquest it-"

"Great. It just so happens that there are fifteen unwrapped batches of brownies sitting on my counter, and I'm leaving my house right now, and I need you to come over and wrap them all up so that they don't get ruined."

"You… you need me to come wrap up brownies at your house?"

"Yes, Peter, that's what I just said. It shouldn't take very long to do; you can take a batch home with you if you like. There is a spare key to the front door in my desk."

"Umm… okay?"

"Thank you very much Peter. I'll see you on Monday."

"Don't hang up on Zac!! Just listening to him talk makes me dizzy with infatuation!"

"Who is that screaming? Is that Dr. House again?"

"Goodbye, Peter!"

CLICK.

* * *

"_Hello, this is James Wilson. I'm unable to take your call right now, but I will attempt to answer you as soon as possible. Unless you're hopelessly addicted to Vicodin; then I can t help you."_

_BEEP!_

"Wilson, it's Cameron, I'm running a bit late, but I'll be at my house in about fifteen minutes. I'm so sorry that you've been waiting there to pick me up! I'll explain everything when I get there. See you soon!"

* * *

**Welcome, Charles Baker!**

**You have -4- unread messages. **

**Message -1-**

**To: **cbaker

**From: **lcuddy

**Subj: **Inquiry about Obstetricians' Lounge

Hello, Baker! I'd been getting a few complaints recently about the state of your lounge from Maintenance; they claim that there are suddenly hundreds bottles of Corona littering the place. I told them that I didn't quite know what was going on, and so I contacted the Head of your department, who told me that you might be able to comment on the situation. Do you know what's going on? Have you seen anyone suspicious lately that might have vandalized the room?

By the way, congratulations on your delivery of those sextuplets the other day! It can't be easy to pull a forty-eight labor- for the mother or her obstetrician!

Get back to me as soon as possible.

Thanks,

Dr. Lisa Cuddy, M.D.

Dean of Medicine, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -2-**

**To:** PPTH Staff

**From: **jkaufman

**Subj: **Rumor Weed!! Spread the Bug

Dear PPTH Comrades:

It has come to my attention through secret, unnamed resources cough Nurse Previn cough what? Anyways, it has come to my attention through secret, unnamed resources that our very own Lisa Cuddy is- dare I say- engaging in a potentially romantic meal with our very own Greg House this evening! This, of course, points to their engagement in a serious romantic relationship, as we all know that Cuddy would never go out with House unless she was a) dying for an unknown reason or b) seriously thinking about spending some quality time with him, which she would never do unless their mutual feelings towards the other were positive.

Sincerely,

Comrade Kaufman

Dr. Jude Kaufman, M.D.

Obstetrics-Gynecology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

P.S. I am establishing that, from now on, we should all refer to each other as "comrade" when dealing with secret espionage information such as that referenced to above. Sort of like the KGB.

* * *

**Message -3-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **gdregate

**Subj: **FW: Rumor Weed!! Spread the Bug

Comrades,

In order to confirm Comrade Kaufman's suggestion that Dr. Cuddy and Dr. House may be joining each other for a meal tonight, I took it upon myself to pull both Dr. Cuddy's and Dr. House's phone records. Surprisingly, it's House who was marked as calling Il Sale down on Fourth yesterday at 2:34 PM. I will let you make your own remarks, as I am not an information analyst; I am merely the acquisition agent. Plus, I have clinic duty in four minutes.

Cheers,

Comrade Dregate

Dr. George Dregate, M.D.

Orthopedics, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

**Message -4-**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **jkaufman

**Subj: **RE: FW: Rumor Weed!! Spread the Bug

Comrades,

The extent to which Comrade Dregate takes an interest in the current situation is completely unnecessary. Please, I implore you- do not resort to any further illegal activity. But it was still interesting to find out. Since when does House make reservations? For dinner? A day ahead of time? This is quite excellent blackmail information, if you ask me.

Bemusedly,

Comrade Kaufman

Dr. Jude Kaufman, M.D.

Obstetrics-Gynecology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

* * *

"Welcome to Il Sale, ma'am. May we park your automobile for you?"

"Yes, you can most certainly park our JAGUAR XK for us!"

"House!"

"What? I was making sure he took the right car. He's a valet parker, he can't be too smart. Otherwise, he'd have a real job, wouldn't he?"

"You're so indiscreet! It's embarrassing, frankly! And unprofessional, too; what if we saw someone important here? This is an incredibly nice restaurant. Ben Carson ate here with our most generous neurology donors when he flew in to lecture at the hospital."

"You thought you could walk through this evening remaining unembarrassed? Once again, my theory that your brains are smaller than another part- uh, two other parts- of your anatomy is correct."

"House! Stop it! The maitre d' is staring at us!"

"I can't imagine why. Your neckline only comes down to your bellybutton, like normal. I'd even call it tasteful."

"Hey… how are we going to get a table? You need reservations for this place!"

"I made them yesterday."

"No, you didn't. You just said that to get me to hurry up."

"Selective memory. Like selective hearing, only… what was I saying?"

"Very funny. Wait- you made a reservation? I didn't think that you were capable of doing so…"

"Sure did. House, for two, 6:30."

"Right this way, Mr. House."

"Doctor."

"What?"

"I'm a doctor."

"And… oh, I'm sorry, Dr. House. Right this way."

"_Idiot._ _Shows no respect for his elders!_"

"You're not exactly whispering. I'm sure he can hear you."

"Yo, garcon! Could you slow down? Cripples can't walk this fast. Don't you have any compassion? What if I fell down in the middle of the restaurant because I was walking so fast? I have a cane! Can you see the cane? It's right here, in my hand."

"He hasn't even turned around. Just stop shouting."

"Well, it's either because he can't speak French, or he's a cripple-hating sadist. Cripple-hating sadist looks better when you're filing for a lawsuit, so we'll go with that one."

* * *

**3825681029 House Inbox: 4/4 **

**6:34 PM 3822043893 Wilson**

is Cameron normally late

**6:35 PM 3822043893 Wilson**

she's 45 mins late

**6:40 PM 3822043893 Wilson**

Hows it going with cuddy

**7:01 PM 3822043893 Wilson**

i know u possess the fine motor skills to txt answer me

* * *

**3822043893 Wilson Inbox: 1/1**

**7:12 PM 3825681029 House**

Camerons only late when she's ditching ugly older men to jump chase

* * *

"Oh, God, Wilson, I'm so incredibly sorry that I'm late! I can't really explain, I was at Cuddy's house and then we made brownies but, of course, House came over and sort of slowed us down… Hi! How are you?"

"Uh… I'm… I' m… I'm great, thanks. We should still have time to get to the show, we're still early enough to get there for the pre-show."

"Fabulous! What do they have at monster truck rally pre-shows, anyways? The one that House and I went to, we only got there in time for the main event."

"Um, not quite sure. I'm guessing mud fights."

"Sweet. We had a huuuuge mud fight at my college every year the day before spring break."

"I don't think we get to participate."

"Sure we do. It's a monster truck rally. It's not like the opera, where you can't just climb on stage and interrupt the soprano to sing your own version."

"It's not like the opera, where you wouldn't want to climb on stage anyways. Not that I'm really into mud fights, to tell you the truth."

"It's okay. It'll all be good."

"Well, then. Shall we?"

"We shall."

"Ouch!"

"Having problems?"

"No, I just hit my head on the… forget it."

"Where? You could get a concussion. That'd be a nasty way to end the night."

"Thanks for informing me. I forgot you went to medical school."

"You've got to get away from House sometime. He's inducted you into sarcasm society."

"Tell me about it. Now, if I could only get the- stupid- GPS- thingamabob- to stick- to the windshield-"

"Here."

"Okay. Okay. Thanks."

"Wilson, your hands are shaking. Are you diabetic? Hypoglycemic? Apoplexy in the family?"

"No, no, it's nothing. Alrighty, here we go."

* * *

**3825681029 House Inbox: 3/7**

**7:37 PM 3826172038 Chase**

scored with cuddy yet

**7:38 PM 3821992735 Foreman**

hows dinner? Cuddy offered to have your babies yet

**8:05 PM 3822043893 Wilson**

u wish u were here bulldozer bob just jumped 18 schoolbuses

* * *

"Who are you texting?"

"Why do you need to know? That's none of your business."

"Ouch. Feisty. Am I really that boring?"

"Boring enough for me to ask House how his date's going? Yup, that sounds about right."

"Hmm."

"Who are you texting?"

"No one."

"Waste of effort. Could get carpal tunnel."

"Hah. Alright, let me clarify. It doesn't matter."

"I'm still pissed that we can't get dates. We're young. We're single. I have nice hair."

"Love how you singled yourself out on that one."

"Well, I'm being realistic. You don't have hair. And that's what people always tell me."

"Yeah, like gay patients with AIDS. And House. I didn't think they were in your dating pool."

"Hey, shut your mouth."

"I'm bored."

"House, try the fava bean mezzaluna! They're fabulous!"

"Hmm."

"House?"

"Umm…yeah?"

"What are you doing?"

"What am I doing what? I'm waiting for you to invite me to try your oxtail. Fava beans mean nothing to me. They're small, green, and are a pain in the ass to clean."

"No, I mean staring intently at your lap."

"Well, see, it's this new technique to decrease the size of my-"

"Stop. Are you texting someone?"

"What are you, my mother?"

"No, I'm eating dinner with you. Right now, it's your turn to ask me if I know about U Mich's high school picks for next lacrosse season."

"Uh, well, my time is currently consumed giving Chase, Foreman, and Wilson an up-to-the-minute account of my efforts to woo your tender heart."

"Very amusing."

"Yeah, so I didn't quite use the phrase "woo her tender heart". Seeing as none of that's true."

"Got that right."

"I've always wondered what would happen if I ordered everything on the menu. Waiter!"

"My guess is that they would cook it for you. You know, it's a restaurant…"

"Really? Wow!"

"Don't try it."

"Please, mommy?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"You won't get dessert."

* * *

**10:18 PM 3825681029 House**

scored yet

**10:24 PM 3822043893 Wilson**

Uh not trying to but I think truck trashin' tim may have

**10:25 PM 3825681029 House**

thats sad

**11:12 PM 3822043893 Wilson**

Scored yet

**2:03 AM 3825681029 House**

jumped both airplanes

**2:04 AM 3822043893 Wilson**

does that mean what I think it means

**2:05 AM 3825681029 House**

why are you still awake

**2:05 AM 3822043893 Wilson**

why are you

**2:07 AM 3822043893 Wilson**

House

**2:10 AM 3822043893 Wilson**

Hellloooo

**A/N: **Sorry it's been so incredibly long, and sorry if the prospect of four AP exams has wiped the humor out of my story. Please review! I feel bad asking, since I haven't really updated in such a while. I'll try to get back on track.


	9. I Hate Mondays

**A/N: **I have to say, this is the last chapter. I love everyone who's still reading and has been from the beginning. Oh, and bonus! If one of you lucky readers can identify the other TV show that I reference in this chapter, I will give you… my undying love and devotion. Sorry, I'm cheap. Cheers!

**Chapter Nine: **I Hate Mondays

"_The phone number that you've reached is no longer connected. Do not leave a message after the beep, as it will get you nowhere. BEEP!"_

"_House. Where the hell are you? I'm assuming that your cell is dead- again- so that's why I'm trying your house phone. I haven't heard from you since 2 this morning, it's four o'clock in the afternoon, and I'm beginning to have fears that you have been kidnapped by Al-Qaeda. Although I can't imagine why they'd want to take __you__; maybe they need you for a terrorism-developing session. You certainly have the credentials. But, seriously, what happened to you? So… call me back. Bye." _

**Monday.**

"House! How come you never answered my calls? Or my texts?"

"Boy, Jimmy, for a minute I thought you were my mother doing her voice-impersonating exercises. Do I ever answer your calls?"

"Well, no, but I wanted to know if you were okay… you know, you could have fallen or something… or gotten in an accident, I don't know."

"You were not worried. Stop lying."

"Do you think I'm lying?"

"Yes, you're lying. See, and when you lie, you answer my questions with questions."

"Do I?"

"Yes. You weren't worried. You wanted to know if I nailed Cuddy."  
"Maybe I'm answering your questions with questions because I'm trying to make you think that I'm lying. To… throw you off."

"Why would you take the trouble to answer my questions with questions if you aren't lying?"

"I… shit, whatever. What happened on Saturday night?"

"So Jimmy is curious. On Saturday night, I went to dinner with Lisa Cuddy. You know, the one down in the Dean of Medicine's office, nice rack."

"I meant after that."

"Then… nothing."

"Stop lying."

"I'm not lying."

"Yes you are. What was that 'jumped both airplanes' about?"

"Oh, you wanted to know what happened early Sunday morning! Be more specific next time!"

"Semantics."

"If it weren't for semantics, my ass would be served to the medical judiciary panel by now."

"Tell me."

"Okay. We went for a stroll, discussed our opinions on various facets of American musical theater, got ice cream cones, and bid our adieus on her doorstep."

"Yeah, right. Now I know that absolutely none of that happened. Thanks."

"Do you really want to know?"

"I- God, this like pulling teeth. It's not worth it. I don't care."

"Oh, but you do care. You, being the protective father that you are to Cuddy's teenage girl, want to know if I got the nerve to warrant the withdrawal of your trusty shotgun from its locker."

"No, really, it's not my business. Bye."

"This is interesting. Because, see, it clearly is your business, because you're going to feel threatened by any possible interaction with any person that isn't yourself. So why lie?"

"Because perhaps, in the perfect world, you would reciprocate one time when I don't feel like telling you something and stop. I know that's NEVER going to happen, but it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside."

"You're a complete loser. No wonder all six of your wives dumped you."

"Three. Three wives."

"Oh, right. Sorry, I hallucinated and saw Henry VIII standing in the doorway of my office there for a minute."

_Sigh…_

**Welcome, Allison Cameron! **

**You have -2- unread messages.**

**Message -1-**

**From: **jwilson

**To: **eforeman

**Cc: **rchase; acameron

**Subj: **help

Hey, guys… heads up… if you notice House acting funny around Cuddy, let me know. Or if he says anything about her in a non-co-worker way; I know that defines how he normally talks about her, if you know what I mean, but, if you notice anything out of the ordinary, just let me know. I think you'll know what I'm talking about.

Alright, you don't. Here's the deal: I think House slept with Cuddy the other night, but he won't tell me anything. My status as perpetually omniscient best friend will be deeply undercut if I can't figure out what's going on. I think he may be leading me on though, with his obscure phrasing. You know what I mean.

Anyways, happy Monday. You need some encouragement, what with House being… House.

-Wilson

P.S. I know that House keeps tabs on your email, so if he asks you about this, don't even pretend that you don't know what he's talking about. Yes, Chase, I know you want to. Don't. It's just… lame.

Dr. James Wilson

Head of Oncology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

**Message -2-**

**From: **jwilson

**To: **acameron

**Subj: **Saturday

Hi, Allison. I'd just like to let you know that I had a great time Saturday night.

Can you meet me for lunch today in the cafeteria? I'd really like to talk to you.

See you soon,

-Wilson

Dr. James Wilson

Head of Oncology, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

"Alright! You got me! I slept with Cuddy."

"I didn't ask."

"I saw that email. I know you were going to anyways."

"Well, I wasn't, and no, you didn't."

"Uh-huh, I so did."

"No, you didn't. You wouldn't have told me even if I thought you did. You don't tell me anything. Truthfully, at least."

"Loose lips sink ships, Crocodile Dundee. I can't afford to tell you anything. I thought you'd learn that."

"Yeah, well, at least I've gotten good at telling when you're lying."

"Going to tell on me?"

"Not quite."

"Good. You've learned your lesson. Tomorrow, it's going to be 'How to Speak without Sounding like a Pompous British Ass.' You might not do as well with that one."

"Hey, Wilson!"

"Hi. Want to sit down?"

"Sure."

"So, about Saturday…"

"Mmhmm?"

"I really did have a great time. It was… fun."

"Yeah, I thought so too."

"I don't think… we're…"

"Whipped cream for everyone! Oh, just get down on your knees already and propose."

"House? Someone replace your Vicodin with E? I mean, I always thought you would be able to tell the difference, but…"

"Continue. I just felt like interjecting my gleeful presence into your obviously private and romantic conversation. Go on, continue. I like watching Cameron blush like a beet."

"That was definitely grounds for sexual harassment right there. Do you mind?"

"Mind what?"

"House, can you just leave?"

"I'm eating. It's lunchtime. We're in the cafeteria. Do you have jurisdiction over the lunchroom?"

_Sigh._ "Come to my office, will you? So we can continue our conversation?"

"Sure."

_Five minutes later_

"So, as I was saying… I just don't think we're meant for each other. In that way."

"I didn't either. I didn't think you did."

"Okay. Are you okay with that?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I be?"

"I thought that maybe you thought that we might end up to be… more."

"No, Wilson. I just think we could be, you know, friends. That's all I wanted."

_Sigh_ "Glad I got that out. I feel like a seventh grader."

"You have no idea."

"But I'd definitely like to do something with you again. What are you doing Friday?"

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

"Jesus! Who uses pagers anymore when we all have iPhones? Christ!"

**--MO-5 VIP–LC—**

"Figures."

"Was it good for you too?"

"Shut up. I bet the entire hospital believes by now that we slept together. Stop making incriminating jokes like that."

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much."

"Methinks we still need to go over this iPhone bill. What am I supposed to do about this?"

"Call in some donors. Shake your badonkadonk for them. Do your thing, I don't know. You obviously have the whole routine down pat."

"We could maybe have a technology fundraiser and… put it under the name of a new communications service."

"Sure. Have fun with that."

"House! The point is, I can't trust you."

"You knew that."

"I guess. Still, next time you want to order 300 grand worth of toys, run it by me first."

"I did."

"Right. Shoo, Peter's trying to come in."

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"It's okay, Peter, you can come in."

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP

"Oh, look at that, got clinic duty. New case still hasn't come in. Gotta go!"

"What?"

"Uh, Dr. Cuddy, there's an emergency in the parking lot, and I wanted to remind you about your meeting with Mr. Basset this afternoon."

"Mr. Basset?"

"Yes, the 'green initiative' donor. You have a meeting scheduled with him this afternoon so he can see in what ways you've started to improve the hospital's ecological effect."

"Right, right."

"And the parking lot?"

"I don't think that concerns me, check with security or admin-"

"No, I really think it does."

**Welcome, Eric Foreman!**

**You have -1- unread message.**

**To: **PPTH Staff

**From: **lcuddy

**Subj: **Parking Lot

Dear PPTH Staff,

It has come to my attention that an unnamed individual has gone to great lengths to paint "Gas Guzzler" on the back of some of the vehicles in the parking lot, including mine own, which happens to have an additional obscene phrase painted on it. I assure you that we are actively seeking the perpetrator, reviewing the security cameras, and that the paint is not permanent. It is simply window paint, and it is easily removable with a car wash.

Thank you for your patience.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy, M.D.

Dean of Medicine, Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital

"Hello, Dr. Cuddy."

"Why, hello, Mr. Basset. How are you this afternoon?"

"Fine, thank you. I'm very glad to see that the hospital is extremely zealous about the green initiative, but I am a bit skeptical that damage to personal property is the way to go about it."

"Well, I must have you know that we have not found any of the hospital staff at fault, if that assuages your fears about our collective state of mental health!"

"It does… but it still seems that things here are headed in the right direction, if that wasn't a hospital employee at fault. Was your car targeted?"

"Yes, I must say it was."

"Which car is it?"

"The Jaguar. XKR."

"Oh, you mean the 'Pimp Mobile'? I believe that is the message I saw inscribed-"

"Yes. Yes. Yes, it is. Would you like a tour of the hospital?"

"Certainly."

"This is our diagnostics department, one of its members, Dr. Allison Cameron, has approached me with many great ideas to be implemented."

"Excellent."

"Yo, homeskillet! How's the Pimp Mobile?"

"Who's that?"

"Uh… no one."

**A/N: **So there you have it. I might include an epilogue if it seems appropriate and there is some demand for one. Otherwise, I'm going to start new work soon on another show; I need a break from House for a little while. Pushing Daisies and The Office are my top two contenders. Feel free to let me know!

Thanks to all of my readers, especially all of you Favoriters/Reviewers. Stick with me. You're great and make this worthwhile!

K.


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